Schmidt: Jess... this is the hardest thing I've ever had to say. Please help me be cool.
Jess: Say that one more time.
Schmidt: Oh. Visor-wearing Jess, will you please help me be cool?

Winston: Okay, listen up, I got 3.5 years to live. I can't be an assistant any more. I don't want to die. I want to work. Honestly, I want to work here. But I got to follow my passion, much like a running back would want when given the ball, and in the game of life, this job is the pigskin. And damn it, I'm in the red zone! And in summation, I feel... very good about what I just said. Hopefully, you do, too.

Schmidt: Hey, look at me. If you guys keep a tight core, you can... your burpees can look like this, too.
Fife: When's the Olympics? Right, guys?
Schmidt: I'm gonna set a PR tonight.
Jess: Well, you know, he's not... he's not...
Schmidt: Parkour.
Jess: Oh!
Chaz: Oh! You got beer on her, man.
Schmidt: [quietly] Did I do that?

Jess: Hey, you guys, um... I can't hang out with you any more.
Chaz: Why not?
Jess: Because... Our entire relationship's built on a lie.
Chaz: Jess, what are you talking about?
Jess: I did not make up... "Did I do that?"
Schmidt: Jess, please don't...
Jess: I have to introduce you to a...
Schmidt: Don't do it.
Jess: Little, adorable African-American nerd.
Schmidt: Don't press the button. Don't... Jess, why would you do this to us?
Chaz: Who's "Steve Urclee"?

Schmidt: Jess, what the hell was that? You were supposed to teach me how to be cool. You did a terrible job. Look what I'm wearing.
Jess: You didn't listen to anything I said! I told you to stop trying so hard.
Schmidt: I will never stop trying. I don't care if I have to do a billion burpees. That is how you crush... you never give up. That is the difference between me and you, Jess.
Jess: Is that what you think? You think I just gave up?
Schmidt: Well...
Jess: I was fired, Schmidt. Do you think I wanted to stop teaching? That's why I liked hanging out with those kids... 'cause they weren't judging me all the time for not crushing it.
Schmidt: Okay...
Jess: Do you think that I want to work at the Casserole Shanty? Do you know what the people I work with call it? The Ass-erole Shanty. [chuckles]

Jess: My life sucks so much right now. But at least I'm not 23. At least I own a trash can. At least I can legally rent a car. At least I don't live in a loft with three other...
Schmidt: But you live with us.
Jess: But I live you with guys.

Chaz: Jess? We don't care if you stole your catchphrase from some low-budget Web series. We still want to hang out.
Nick: [coughs] Don't trust your government, kids.
Brorie: Oh, my God, it's the old man from the stairs.
Sutton: I thought he died.
Fife: Let's get out of here before his robe opens.
Jess: He's gonna get his old on you! Get out while you can!

Schmidt: Hey, hey, Charles, the decrepit thing that just walked by, now, that is old, okay? And you can hate him for being old, but you cannot hate me.
Chaz: We don't hate you for being old. We hate you 'cause you're a viciously unbearable ass-head.
Schmidt: Seriously? That's... Come here, that's...
Chaz: Get off! Ass-head!
Schmidt: Ass-head! Yeah!

Schmidt: Guys, I... am an ass-head. They don't hate me because I'm old. They hate me because of my personality. I can totally change my personality.
Jess: Congratulations, Schmidt, that is... that's weird news.

Winston: Ladies and gentlemen, you are looking at a brand-new man. A man who has proved so capable of talking about so little for so long... is now the producer of his very own sports talk show.
Nick: No way!
Jess: What?!
Winston: That's right. That's right. Yeah, bring it in.
Jess: It's halftime in America!
Nick: Man, that's amazing!
Winston: Thank you, thank you, thank you. 2:35 to 5:35 a.m. Boom! Prime time for truckers!