Schmidt: Who wants to start an arcade fire?
Jess: Schmidt.
Schmidt: What?
Jess: What are you doing? This is not the outfit we talked about.
Schmidt: What? Rock and roll.
Jess: You way overshot it.
Schmidt: Look at that. I'm being ironic.
Jess: That's not ironic. That's just a bad pun. And what are you doing here? Your arms are hot, but your neck is cold?

Nick: I mean, I've been running the numbers on this, but, you know, I think I spent... you know, $1,200 to $1,300.
Jess: What?!
Nick: On these pranks, yeah.
Jess: What?!
Nick: And I was under- budget, so...
Jess: Under-budget?
Nick: What, you think fake contact lenses are free? They are not, sister.
Jess: Nick, you don't have that kind of money.
Nick: I know I don't.
Jess: Where are you gonna get that from?
Nick: Doesn't matter. I had to prank Schmidt. And I did.

Jess: I've actually been working on something.
Schmidt: A résumé, maybe?
Jess: [as Urkel] Did I do that?
Schmidt: I'm sorry. Did you just say you were working on that?
Jess: It's Urkel!
Nick: Urkel?
Jess: Urkel.
Nick: Urkel, Jess?
Jess: It's funny.

Jess: I don't know what the plan is, Schmidt, but I love working at the Casserole Shanty. Today I got a locker, and in 18 months, I'm gonna roll into some sweet dental coverage. So, yeah, my job pretty much rules.
[flashback:]
Jess: Low on bean! Low on bean! I repeat, I'm low on bean! I'm good on bean!

Chaz: Hey, we just moved in across the hall. I'm Chaz. This is Fife, Sutton and Brorie.
Schmidt: What's up? Schmidt.
Chaz: Any-turds, just wanted to give you a heads up that we're having some people over to hang tonight and it might get a little loud.
Schmidt: I like where your head is at. We're gonna be there with bells on. Dolla-dolla bells, y'all.
Chaz: Well, it's just going to be a bunch of young people. So...
Jess: Hi. I live here, too. What are you names? [Schmidt closes the door on them] Schmidt!

Jess: Do you think that the neighbors will want, like, four individual casseroles or, like, one large party-size casserole?
Schmidt: Yes, Jess, that's exactly what hip, trendy millennials want to eat: casserole.

Schmidt: Is that Top Gun? Oh, look at that. Look at Anthony Eds, the "Goose" man. Unbelievable that he dies in a few scenes.
Fife: Goose dies?
Sutton: Not cool, man.
Schmidt: No, it's... Look, nobody does an onscreen death like Anthony Eds. He's like the Hilary Swank of bald men. He's like the Hilary Swank of bald...

Schmidt: I work for a single-national corporation called Associated Strategies.
Fife: Moo...
Brorie: Oh, moo...
Schmidt: I know. Yeah. Totally, Fife. I get that. Moo... Moo...! [laughs] Right? That's a thing, right? Yeah? Moo?

Schmidt: Hey, Nana, Pop-Pop. You missed an unreal hang last night. Unreal with a capital "uh."
Winston: Really? Those kids with the found furniture and no TV because it's cool?
Jess: It's a different world over there. A world where it's okay to only have a part-time job. A world where it's okay that I'm still finding myself. A world where I have not one, but two catchphrases.
[flashback:]
Brorie: $500.
Jess: [as Stephanie Tanner] How rude! [all laugh] How rude!
Brorie: Just take it!
[present:]
Jess: They think I made those up.

Jess: There's just one tiny hitch. It's very awkward, and I don't know how to say it...
Nick: They hate Schmidt.
Jess: So much. How did you know?
Nick: If I had a dollar for everybody I couldn't hang out with because they hated Schmidt, I'd be rich. Like, fill my gas tank all the way up rich.
Jess: He was all over the map. He spent 20 minutes talking about aioli.