Nick: All right, here you go.
Winston: Wow. Are these alphabetized?
Nick: Yeah, you're welcome. I felt like a secretary. It was pretty awesome. Some auto body shop called, Schmidt... Apparently you're getting a spoiler?
Schmidt: I'm not getting a sp... I just wanted a quote. Yeah, I get a quote just in case I do want to actually buy one. And it's nice to have a price before you get emotionally invested. It's called predicting desires.
Nick: What I wish I would have said is when I first said it... "Spoiler alert." I wish it... when I... I wish I would have said, um, "you're getting a spoiler. Spoiler alert."

Nick: Do you want to talk about it? Just kidding. I'm messing with you. Are you guys having as much fun as I'm having right now? This landline has really brought us together in a great way. I miss this. Hey, if I cooked up a whole chicken, would you guys have some? Those look like two hungry faces... [chuckles]

Jess: That's it! I'm gonna need to talk to all these teachers.
Coach: You're just jealous because you're not gettin' any. [indignant gasp from Jess] When's the last time someone gave you CPR?
Jess: Well, I give it to myself at least once a month...
Coach: Oh!
Jess: To refresh. I'm talking about real CPR!
Coach: Oh.

Schmidt: [answers phone] This is Schmidt.
Nick: Hey, it's Nick. Let me get Winston. Winnie the bish, you on?
Winston: What is happening right now?
Nick: I'm just giving you guys your midday update. Schmidt, dry-cleaner company called. Your socks are ready.
Schmidt: Oh, great. Not quite sure why we need to be on a conference call for this.
Nick: Not quite sure why you need to dry-clean your socks, you weirdo, but we'll get back to that.

Schmidt: Okay, let's try it again.
Cece: All right, all right. [beep] Hello. You've reached the loft.
Schmidt: Oh, my God!
Cece: What?
Schmidt: Too sexy!
Winston: Sounds good to me.
Schmidt: Are you out of your mind? I'm on fire right now. This is a home. We're not selling lubricant.

Nick: [phone rings] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Let's see what she can do. [beep]
Cece: [flatly] Hello. You've reached the loft.
Schmidt: Oh, my God. Will you not stop until the whole world is aro...? [beep]
Woman: Hey, this message is for Nick. You responded to my ad about a custom secretary headset. Please give me a call back. [beep]
Nick: How do they know my name? It's a stinking old prank. I don't even care. I got a lot going on today, so...
Cece: Are you just eating a bowl of jelly?
Nick: What does it look like?
Cece: It looks like a bowl of jelly.
Nick: It's a bowl of jelly, yeah.

Schmidt: All right, Nick, hey, uh, you were home today. Did anybody leave any messages about my interview for tomorrow?
Nick: I don't know. Why don't you ask the machine? Isn't that what you wanted?
Schmidt: [chuckles] Uh, the machine's not working.
Nick: Well, isn't that funny? I feel like I'm working perfectly.
Schmidt: I'm gonna go take this machine back to 1993 and exchange it.

Nick: It's the magazine. They want to cancel the interview.
Winston: What?
Nick: They want to do it right now or not at all. [on the phone] Yeah, this is Nick again. No, he-he did... He might... Hold on one second. I hear something. That might be him. Please hold. [quietly] You've got to talk to 'em.
Winston: Why do I have to talk?
Nick: Because even though you're the most awkward person I've ever met, you're magic on the phone and you know it.
Winston: You know, I put those days behind me...
Nick: Schmidt's right here. Hold one sec. You have to do it. For Schmidt.
Winston: I need a soda, I need a straw and I need to get horizontal, so get out of my way. [grunts, exhales deeply] Yeah, this is Schmidt. What up?

Winston: [on the phone, as Schmidt] I read. The last book I read? Good question, good question.
Nick: Uh, some biography with, uh, Carson Daly. The one with the red cover.
Winston: Yes, that Carson Daly joint. You know, I respect that dude. Yeah, he's just like me. He's always on. There's not a lot of good white role models out there, and I say that as a white man. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah, you got it, Business, Man!
Schmidt: Is that the magazine? What are you boobs do... What are you. Winston, get off the phone. Stop, stop, stop. Stop.
Nick: Shh! Trust us.

Jess: I just came in here to say I'm sorry. Sometimes it's... Hard to control your feelings. Which I demonstrated by... Grabbing a man's "dujeels" in front of the entire faculty.
Coach: Well, I'm sorry for putting you in a position to grab that man's "dujeels." I don't like saying "dujeels." It's weird. I call mine my Sam Jackson 'cause he's in everything.