Jess: Excuse me, sir. Is this the line? [chuckles] What a New York character. You're a New York character. [to another man] Oh, sorry. Um, I was just... getting in line behind you. [chuckles] Don't want to get in a pickle. That's just deli fun. Oh.
Counter Guy #1: There you go, sweetheart. Okay, there we go!
Jess: Hi, do you have special soup...
Counter Guy #1: This is the cream cheese line. Next. You're still here?
Jess: I'm sorry. I'll just...
Counter Guy #2: Next!
Jess: Yes, um...
Counter Guy #2: Too slow! Next!
Woman: Two pounds of whitefish.
Jess: Beautiful baby.
Woman: Don't talk to me.
Counter Guy #3: 43, 44, 45, 46...
Jess: Oh, yes, um...
Man: 46. Two black-and-whites.
Jess: May I please have the... Oh, uh, Excuse me, I'm 45.
Man: Yeah, he already called it, slowpoke.
Counter Guy #3: Here you go.
Man: Welcome to New York. [chuckles]
Jess: [screams] No! I'm 45! 45 is before 46! You'll get your damn cookies when you give me your ass! [clatter] One large special soup now!

Jess: [on the phone] Schmidt, it's Jess. I got your soup but not until I punched this city in the damn throat.
Schmidt: I thought you were all about keeping it positive.
Jess: That is for sucker MCs and West Coast punks. This city's a jungle, so you better be a freaking lion. That goes for you, too, Schmidt. I had an epiphany getting your soup. That's what you got to do tonight.
Schmidt: What are you talking about?
Jess: You're a really special guy, and you got to let everyone in high school know that. So you got to go to that homecoming, you got to grab that mic, and you got to roast that Marissa and the rest of those junkyard... fat cats.

Jess: What else you got, New York? You want to step into me?
Jake Peralta: Stop, stop, stop, stop! Stop! NYPD! Ma'am, I need to commandeer this vehicle.
Jess: If you want to commandeer this vehicle, then you're gonna have to commandeer this ass.

Jess: Damn it. You commandeered my friend's mom's car and then you crashed it? That's like me asking to borrow your dumb cop jacket and then... just crashing it. Man, I thought I had this city licked. But in the end, it was me who got licked.
Jake Peralta: Wait, did that actually happen? 'Cause there have been some... reported lickings recently, and if you got a good look at the guy...
Jess: I was obviously speaking metaphorically.
Jake Peralta: Right. Me, too. Our city is wonderful. It's a great place to walk around.
Jess: So what about my friend's mom's car? Let me guess, there's nothing you can do.
Jake Peralta: No, ma'am, listen, everything's gonna be fine. Just go to the 99th Precinct, and I promise you... You will be treated in the most efficient and pleasant way imaginable.

Gina Linetti: Proof of ownership. Liability release. Waiver of responsibility. Smog check. Non-operation of a boat. Waiver of somethin'. Liability release. Ya-dee-da. Da-dee-da. And da.
Jess: This is an application to join the NYPD softball team.
Gina Linetti: You think I like sitting here, handing you form after form?
Jess: Kind of.
Gina Linetti: You're right. I do. God, it's like you're in here.

Captain Holt: We-Well, your car should be fixed by morning.
Jess: How do I know you're not lying?
Captain Holt: I never lie. Although I told my mother her hair looked good once... and it didn't. Just looked okay.
Jess: Okay, I believe you, even though you're from the city of garbage water and pizza trash.
Captain Holt: What is your problem with this city?
Jess: [sighs] I've just never had a good experience here. I came here once before and it was a complete disaster.
Captain Holt: Did you go to the opera and were disappointed? It's this new director.
Jess: No, I actually... I had this great week planned, and then thing after thing went wrong, and then I cut my trip off early. Oh, my God. [gasps] Oh, my God. That's when that was?
Captain Holt: Obviously, I don't know because I have no idea what you're talking about.

Jess: I left early and I went home and surprised my boyfriend. Spencer was the actual worst. He called sex "making tacos."
Captain Holt: Well, you know what I always say? Things happen for a reason...
Jess: Yes, and the reason that New York sucked was because I was supposed to catch Spencer...
Captain Holt: No, you didn't let me finish.
Jess: .. 'cause I wasn't supposed to end up with him.
Captain Holt: I always say things happen for a reason, and that reason is random chance.
Jess: No, you were right the first time. New York wasn't kicking my ass, it was nudging it, gently, in the right direction. [gasps] Just like you are right now.
Captain Holt: Yes. Yes, that's what's happening.

Jess: You can't be mad at your past... it makes you who you are. And... Oh, my God. I told my friend to do something really stupid, and I have to go stop him. Hey, do you want to do something very, super considerate?
Captain Holt: We can't provide you with a police escort.
Jess: I wasn't gonna ask that.
Captain Holt: Yeah, you were.
Jess: Yeah, I was.
Captain Holt: But here: my lunch. It's not Schmaegalman's, but take it. It's Ling's Palace. It's fine. It's just fine.

Schmidt: Back in the bosom of Lady Liberty. New York! Your baby boy's triumphant return!
Jess: Fitzgerald High's Distinguished Alum of the Year coming through! Make way!
Winston: A lot of energy after that red-eye. I feel terrible. My eyes are all red af... Oh, I see what they did.

Nick: Yeah, I feel normal. Most nights I sleep sitting up in my clothes, holding a plastic cup with garbage in it anyhow, so...