Jess: Guess what I'm worried about? This sound. You know what that sound is? It's the sound of an empty uterus. I don't need test results to tell me that it is The Grapes of Wrath in there. It is 1930s Dust Bowl in there, Schmidt. And they're all walking with limps.

Jess: I'm 30, I'm single, and I just started a new job. Tonight I used a bread roll to wipe butter off my face, and then I ate the bread roll, so I essentially used my face as a butter knife. I don't think I'm ready to bring new life into the world, but... what if all that's left are the weird eggs? And the evil eggs?
Cece: You have no evil eggs.
Jess: I can feel them. They're turning. They watched their brothers and sisters die, and now they want to be birthed. I need to be fertilized. [shouting out the window] Fertilize me, Los Angeles!
Cece: Calm down, all right? You're overreacting.
Jess: I am overreacting! You know why? Because I want a family. I want to give my nipples a purpose. [out the window] Give my nipples a purpose!
Man: Oh, yeah!
Jess: Oh, God, that was a mistake. Duck down. That was a mistake. We're taking that test.

Sadie: Well, I think that you guys made a really smart decision coming in here today.
Jess: Sadie, once at a senior graduation party, I sat in a very hot Jacuzzi for... 12 hours. Is there any chance that I sunny-side upped my eggs?
Sadie: No, Jess.
Jess: Oh, between the years of 1998 and 2005, I used a lot of self-tanner. Like, a lot. Is that a possibility of, um... Do I...
Sadie: Okay. Nope. Here we go.
Jess: I once fell on a pommel horse...

Schmidt: Sadie, before you leave, can I just ask you a few questions?
Sadie: I know where this is going.
Schmidt: You are a gynecologist and a lesbian, which makes you... well, a va-genius.
Jess: Jar.
Sadie: I know my way around a Grizzly Adams.
Jess: You, too? Jar.
Schmidt: Well, as an adult male, I would like to ask you a few questions about, you know, the downstairs girl cookie.
Jess: Jars, jars, all around jars!

Nick: Sorry to wake you. Z is for Zombie.
Winston: What?
Nick: I finished my novel. I stayed up for 14 straight hours. I even peed in water bottles.
Winston: We have a bathroom. Wow, you dedicated it to me.
Nick: "To Winston. Have a nice summer. Hope to see you ag..."
Winston: Really?
Nick: I just want to say right now, the black guy dies early. His name is William. But don't take offense, it's a staple of the genre.

Nick: Whoa, whoa, Jess, what are you doing? That's my ketchup collection!
Jess: This fertility Web site says I need to get rid of anything with toxins.
Nick: Did you put the microwave in the trash?
Jess: Yes.
Nick: Why would you do that?
Jess: Microwaves zap things!
Nick: You can't take my microwave away!
Jess: Zap my insides!
Nick: It's the only thing I love!
Jess: I can't risk it!
Nick: It's what makes burritos delicious!
Jess: I don't care! You care about your burritos more than my children, Nick?
Nick: You're putting me in a tough spot.

Winston: How's the zombie novel coming?
Nick: Good, good, good. I haven't written a word.
Winston: Wait, are you serious? Nick, it's not that hard, man. Just sit down and write. You ain't Hemingway.
Nick: You boys are right. I got to be more like Hemingway.
Jess: I just lost another one of my eggs while you were comparing yourself to the most famous writer of all time.
Nick: Maybe the reason I have writer's block is I've been living too casual with you clowns. I need real-life adventure like Ernest Hemingway had at my age. Man, I got to run with the bulls. I got to kill a man with my bare hands after making sweet love to him and then sleep on the warm belly of his horse. I got to eat my way out of a sandwich house!
Winston: How much you know about Hemingway?
Nick: Not a lot! But I'm gonna learn! I'm becoming Ernest Hemingway. You idiots.

Schmidt: Our bodies really made something. I feel like we brought manufacturing jobs back to America.
Emma: Yeah, it was fine.
Schmidt: What do you mean "fine"? I broke your brain, girl.
Emma: How do I put this delicately? I was... nowhere close to finishing. I was bored. And cold.
Schmidt: That's cool. Uh... No, yeah. [chuckles] World shattered.
Emma: We'll try again. It'll be better.
Schmidt: The world I once lived in... shattered.
Emma: All right, see you at work.
Schmidt: See you at work.

Winston: No. It should be me, Jess.
Jess: What?
Winston: With your big, beautiful blue eyes and my... Blair Underwood-like skin.
Schmidt: Mm-hmm.
Winston: We'd have the most beautiful baby the world has ever seen.
Schmidt: He's not wrong. It could get into any school it wants.

Sadie: Okay, Schmidt. Female pleasure. Here are some diagrams, so we can see where you're at.
Schmidt: The vagina. I'm familiar.
Sadie: Good. Now, what I typically do is I start over here, and then I move here once I feel confident that this area has been taken care of.
Schmidt: Yeah, see, that's exactly what I do. I call that "Losing Nemo."
Sadie: Well, a more advanced move would be... You know what? I'll just show you. It's sort of... Come in this way.
Schmidt: No, no, I see what you're doing. That asymmetry right there? That's crucial. 'Cause then what I'll do is is I'll go outside, get the paper, and shake the neighbor's hand.
Sadie: Interesting.
Schmidt: Then what I'll do is, I'll tie a bow on it because it's birthday time. Then I get onstage and collect my Oscar and say thank you to the people, thank you to the people, then get back down offstage and get everybody into the sharing circle, right down there in the sharing circle, and then... [smacks loudly] spike the volleyball. Then what I like to do is, I like to arrive at the bridge, meet the troll, and then answer his riddles three. Then what we do is, we're dancing. We're just gonna dance, we're gonna dance for a while. We'll dance until you can't dance anymore, dancing till you can't dance anymore, and then everybody gets a churro. [clicks tongue] You okay?
Sadie: Mm-hmm. It's the baby hormones. They are not as gay as me.
Schmidt: So I'm good at this, right?
Sadie: Schmidt, in my professional opinion, you have definitely earned the rank of ... and I will use the phrase you coined ... va-genius.
Schmidt: Thank you, thank you so much. I really needed to hear that, Sadie.
Sadie: You got to go.