Cece: So, I actually know what's about to happen next. You will all want to cover your ears.
Schmidt: [o.s.] I found water!
Sadie: No, I didn't do it in time.
Melissa: Oh, he found...
Jess: Has anybody seen a movie in the last five months, and can you describe the plot in great detail and loudly?

Sadie: This is my personal time right now. You can make an appointment at my office, pay your $40 co-pay. I will be happy to answer your questions.
Schmidt: Yes! I'm in. Please. Now, would I have to put my legs up in the stirrups?
Sadie: Why would you?
Schmidt: I'm asking more so out of curiosity than fear. #excitement.
Cece: Are you done?
Schmidt: I'm done. I'll see you, okay? I'm gonna call the office.

Schmidt: I think I may have been in love with Cece.
Nick: You are in love with Cece.
Jess: You think?
Schmidt: Can't believe I have to have feelings to have good sex. I was hoping I'd be dead before this happened.

Winston: Okay, I'll read this damn thing; you asked for it.
Nick: This might be humiliating.
Winston: "No one in the sleepy mountain town of 'Writhe-em' City..."
Nick: That's Rhythm City.
Winston: "...knew what the meteor meant, but the one thing Mike Jr. did have was a whole lot of 'rittems.'"
Nick: Rhythm.
Schmidt: No, yeah.
Winston: "'Whoa, what bit me in the face?' Mike Jr. said to his dad Mike Sr., who sucks."
Nick: Sucks ... Mike Sr. sucks. It's a major theme throughout this.
Winston: "Mike Sr. sucks a whole bunch, much more than his neighbor Rallo."
Schmidt: Never stop reading this.
Winston: "'Zombie zoo, zombie zoo, zombie zoo, zombie zoo. Who let them zombies out that damn zombie zoo? Uh-oh, watch your back, Laura.'" And I guess Laura is another character that he introduces, but that's it. And here's the word search.
Nick: Yeah, good luck, you idiot.

Jess: To my dear friends, Melissa and Sadie.
Melissa: Aw.
Jess: Five years together. That is awesome.
Nick: Hear, hear.
Jess: What is your secret?
Sadie: I don't really think there is a secret. I think it's just about... love, understanding, and... two sets of boobs.
Melissa: I love boobs. I love 'em. I love...
Sadie: Okay.
Melissa: ...everything about 'em.
Nick: Yeah, I do, too.
Melissa: All different kinds. [blubbering]
Nick: [blubbering] Yeah, that's my thing too.
Melissa: I love them.

Schmidt: [o.s.] And the Curiosity Rover has touched down on the planet of Mars.
Sadie: What's happening right now? What's happening in there?
Jess: Schmidt's in there with his boss. He's "entertaining" her.
Sadie: Ew.
Jess: I don't care what he does. I just don't understand why [loudly] he has to narrate it!

Schmidt: [o.s.] Robot arm engaged!
Nick: It's just engaged now? So he's saying everything up to this point has been foreplay? Are you kidding me? That's ridiculous. What are you gonna do for 20 minutes of foreplay? Boring! Yawn! Am I right, ladies?

Sadie: I'm pregnant! We are pregnant!
Jess: Wha...?
Schmidt: [opens door] Lesbian baby. Congratulations, you guys.

Sadie: I feel so lucky, you know? Like I really tucked this one in just under the wire.
Jess: What do you mean? You're so young.
Sadie: As your friendly neighborhood gynecologist, you should know that by the time a lady hits 30, she loses about 90% of her eggs.
Jess: What?
Cece: No, th-that can't be true.
Jess: What?

Melissa: Did you know that there's a test that you can take that tells you how many beans you got left in your bean sack?
Sadie: Ovaries. It estimates basically how many childbearing years you have left.
Melissa: Yeah, get this baloney: I'm 32, but my eggs are 48, and my vagina is 97.
Nick: I am so uncomfortable.
Sadie: But it gets better with age ... it's like the vagina Helen Mirren.
Nick: Oh, boy.
Sadie: I've got big plans for the centennial.
Jess: When can I take that test?
Cece: Who cares? Personally, I'm still on the please-God-I-hope- I'm-not-pregnant phase.
Nick: What am I doing here?