Jess Quote #329

Quote from Jess in Eggs

Nick: Whoa, whoa, Jess, what are you doing? That's my ketchup collection!
Jess: This fertility Web site says I need to get rid of anything with toxins.
Nick: Did you put the microwave in the trash?
Jess: Yes.
Nick: Why would you do that?
Jess: Microwaves zap things!
Nick: You can't take my microwave away!
Jess: Zap my insides!
Nick: It's the only thing I love!
Jess: I can't risk it!
Nick: It's what makes burritos delicious!
Jess: I don't care! You care about your burritos more than my children, Nick?
Nick: You're putting me in a tough spot.


 ‘Eggs’ Quotes

Quote from Jess

Jess: Guess what I'm worried about? This sound. You know what that sound is? It's the sound of an empty uterus. I don't need test results to tell me that it is The Grapes of Wrath in there. It is 1930s Dust Bowl in there, Schmidt. And they're all walking with limps.

Quote from Jess

Jess: I'm 30, I'm single, and I just started a new job. Tonight I used a bread roll to wipe butter off my face, and then I ate the bread roll, so I essentially used my face as a butter knife. I don't think I'm ready to bring new life into the world, but... what if all that's left are the weird eggs? And the evil eggs?
Cece: You have no evil eggs.
Jess: I can feel them. They're turning. They watched their brothers and sisters die, and now they want to be birthed. I need to be fertilized. [shouting out the window] Fertilize me, Los Angeles!
Cece: Calm down, all right? You're overreacting.
Jess: I am overreacting! You know why? Because I want a family. I want to give my nipples a purpose. [out the window] Give my nipples a purpose!
Man: Oh, yeah!
Jess: Oh, God, that was a mistake. Duck down. That was a mistake. We're taking that test.

Quote from Jess

Sadie: Well, I think that you guys made a really smart decision coming in here today.
Jess: Sadie, once at a senior graduation party, I sat in a very hot Jacuzzi for... 12 hours. Is there any chance that I sunny-side upped my eggs?
Sadie: No, Jess.
Jess: Oh, between the years of 1998 and 2005, I used a lot of self-tanner. Like, a lot. Is that a possibility of, um... Do I...
Sadie: Okay. Nope. Here we go.
Jess: I once fell on a pommel horse...