Schmidt Quote #348

Quote from Schmidt in Eggs

Sadie: Okay, Schmidt. Female pleasure. Here are some diagrams, so we can see where you're at.
Schmidt: The vagina. I'm familiar.
Sadie: Good. Now, what I typically do is I start over here, and then I move here once I feel confident that this area has been taken care of.
Schmidt: Yeah, see, that's exactly what I do. I call that "Losing Nemo."
Sadie: Well, a more advanced move would be... You know what? I'll just show you. It's sort of... Come in this way.
Schmidt: No, no, I see what you're doing. That asymmetry right there? That's crucial. 'Cause then what I'll do is is I'll go outside, get the paper, and shake the neighbor's hand.
Sadie: Interesting.
Schmidt: Then what I'll do is, I'll tie a bow on it because it's birthday time. Then I get onstage and collect my Oscar and say thank you to the people, thank you to the people, then get back down offstage and get everybody into the sharing circle, right down there in the sharing circle, and then... [smacks loudly] spike the volleyball. Then what I like to do is, I like to arrive at the bridge, meet the troll, and then answer his riddles three. Then what we do is, we're dancing. We're just gonna dance, we're gonna dance for a while. We'll dance until you can't dance anymore, dancing till you can't dance anymore, and then everybody gets a churro. [clicks tongue] You okay?
Sadie: Mm-hmm. It's the baby hormones. They are not as gay as me.
Schmidt: So I'm good at this, right?
Sadie: Schmidt, in my professional opinion, you have definitely earned the rank of ... and I will use the phrase you coined ... va-genius.
Schmidt: Thank you, thank you so much. I really needed to hear that, Sadie.
Sadie: You got to go.


 ‘Eggs’ Quotes

Quote from Jess

Jess: Guess what I'm worried about? This sound. You know what that sound is? It's the sound of an empty uterus. I don't need test results to tell me that it is The Grapes of Wrath in there. It is 1930s Dust Bowl in there, Schmidt. And they're all walking with limps.

Quote from Jess

Jess: I'm 30, I'm single, and I just started a new job. Tonight I used a bread roll to wipe butter off my face, and then I ate the bread roll, so I essentially used my face as a butter knife. I don't think I'm ready to bring new life into the world, but... what if all that's left are the weird eggs? And the evil eggs?
Cece: You have no evil eggs.
Jess: I can feel them. They're turning. They watched their brothers and sisters die, and now they want to be birthed. I need to be fertilized. [shouting out the window] Fertilize me, Los Angeles!
Cece: Calm down, all right? You're overreacting.
Jess: I am overreacting! You know why? Because I want a family. I want to give my nipples a purpose. [out the window] Give my nipples a purpose!
Man: Oh, yeah!
Jess: Oh, God, that was a mistake. Duck down. That was a mistake. We're taking that test.

Quote from Jess

Sadie: Well, I think that you guys made a really smart decision coming in here today.
Jess: Sadie, once at a senior graduation party, I sat in a very hot Jacuzzi for... 12 hours. Is there any chance that I sunny-side upped my eggs?
Sadie: No, Jess.
Jess: Oh, between the years of 1998 and 2005, I used a lot of self-tanner. Like, a lot. Is that a possibility of, um... Do I...
Sadie: Okay. Nope. Here we go.
Jess: I once fell on a pommel horse...