Coach: Schmidt, you're on snack table duty. Keep the chip bowls full. Don't let the kids spike the punch. And make sure Diabetic Amy only has four cookies.
Schmidt: Diabetic Amy ain't gonna get no cookies on my watch.
Coach: No, she-she has to have at least two or she'll pass out.
Schmidt: She's getting nothing as far as I'm concerned.
Coach: At least two, at least two or she'll pass out.

Coach: All right, Winston? Dance floor duty.
Winston: Yes, sir. Ooh, you shouldn't have said that, man, that is the perfect place for me right now. I got so much heat coming off me, man.
Nick: No.
Coach: No, no, no, no, no, no. No heat.
Winston: Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Coach: No heat. Hey, hey, hey. None. Hey, look at me. No heat. The opposite of heat. Six inches separation at all times.
Winston: Nobody's getting pregnant tonight. That's the same thing I say on my dates. [whoops]

Schmidt: All right. Rap battle. 8 Mile. This one goes out to your vice principal, my friend, Jessica Day. I don't wear indigo, I don't wear teal You better look out, you know that's right That's right 'cause 'cause Schmidt is for real, mmm I take that back, actually I do wear teal sometimes When I say "sometimes," you say "teal." Sometimes!
All: Teal!
Schmidt: Sometimes!
All: Teal!
Schmidt: Sometimes!
All: Teal!
Schmidt: Mic drop.

Nick: What's up, what's up, what's up? Anybody here from Chicago? Chicago, Illinois? City of Big Shoulders, Big Dreams! [silence] That would make sense. You guys go to school here. You're just kids, so you're all from here. Somebody else, go.
Winston: That was it?
Nick: Yeah.

Winston: [girls scream] Gonna be a cop, straight walking a beat Role model, out on the street Unless I get assigned to a desk, which is also vital Because when paperwork slides, that's how you get a mistrial When I say "miss," you say "trial." Miss.
All: Trial.
Winston: I said, when I say "miss," you say "trial." Miss, unless you trying to die.
Nick: What, are you nuts?
Winston: Then know who you are.

Cece: Well, this is going to be tough for you, huh?
Jess: Yes! Foster said we couldn't afford it, but I really stuck my neck out for this dance.
Cece: No, I-I mean because the theme of the dance is "Love is Forever" and Nick, and the breakup...
Jess: What? No, Cece, look, you remember what school dances were like for me. They were miserable. I was just waiting in the bathroom for Tim Keymaker to magically appear and ask me out.
Cece: I remember. I was smoking in the stall next to you.
Jess: We get it, you were bad.

Schmidt: "Love is forever, and ever, and ever..." What is this?
Cece: The theme of Jess's school dance.
Coach: It's pretty ironic, huh?
Schmidt: Jess, you poor thing. Come-come here. Come here.
Jess: What? What?
Schmidt: Just there.
Jess: What are you doing?
Schmidt: All right. Uh-huh. Okay. Oh, I know. I know. I know.
Jess: What's happening?
Winston: I got hug number two locked and loaded. Soft or hard, it's up to you.
Schmidt: I know.
Jess: Schmidt.

Nick: I genuinely miss goofing around with Jess. Breakups aren't supposed to be easy, so...
Schmidt: Well, it's really mature of you, man.
Nick: We're doing something where we are we are not allowed to be in the room alone together without Winston. 'Cause he just naturally takes the sexual tension out of a room.

Jess: Congrats, chaperones! With your help, tonight is going to be unforgettable.
Biology Teacher: I didn't sign up for this.
Jess: No, you didn't. None of you did. In fact, none of you have ever, ever signed up for any school event, ever. Which means you've never felt the joy of exchanging your free time for a child's smile.
Rose: I never volunteer because of my Munchausen syndrome.
Biology Teacher: Are we getting paid?
Jess: You will get paid, um, actually, in attractive hats that I made. They say "chaperone." And Gary the Janitor has one that says "Clean-up Crew."
Gary: You call me Gary the Janitor as if me being a janitor is my whole identity. It's like someone calling you Jess the Third-Hottest White Teacher.
Jess: Okay.
Biology Teacher: Are we done? I'm gonna say we're done.

Jess: Hey, Wendy. Whoa! That shirt's scary! Whoa. You going to the dance tonight?
Wendy: My mom's making me go.
Jess: Making you go to the best night of your life? Your mom sounds really cool. Come one, at your age, love is forever and ever and ever. What are you gonna wear?
Wendy: This shirt.
Jess: Oh. Oh! That is the best idea I've heard all week. Whoa! Scary shirt!