Coach: You three are the worst chaperones possible on earth. A dog would be better than you. A plant wearing underwear would be better than you. Ray Charles' ghost would be better than you! Wh- What kind of men are you?

Jess: There are two ways this can go. Number one: you tell us why you ruined the dance. Number two: I bash your skull in with a carburetor!
Cece: I thought I was bad cop.
Jess: You are the bad cop. I'm the tough, competent cop, who's good at her job, you're the kind of fumbly, dumb cop who's nice and...
Cece: Yeah, that's not how it works, though. I mean, the good cop is nice and the bad cop is mean.
Jess: That would be nice cop, mean cop.
Cece: That's how it works on every cop show, when you watch it.
Jess: I watch cop shows.
Cece: You need to pay more attention.
Jess: I do pay attention.

Schmidt: Ay-ay-ay, I needed a shvitz.
Nick: Ech, me, too. My arms are so sore from doing so many push-ups.
Schmidt: That seems like a lie.
Nick: No, I'm trying to stay fit after the breakup. I've been eating salads. You know, no dressing. mostly just the protein.
Schmidt: What kind of salad you've been eating?
Nick: The little chopped of pieces of ham.
Schmidt: Just the ham?
Nick: Yeah.
Schmidt: Mm-hmm.
Nick: I don't like the lettuce. I think it's gross to eat stuff on earth that's green.
Schmidt: Well, look, you know baby steps...
Nick: Not baby steps. There were some pretty big pieces of ham.