Biology Teacher: What do you awful women want?
Jess: We want to know why you locked the door and poured glue in the breaker.
Biology Teacher: I didn't do any of that.
Jess: Why would anybody want to ruin such a magical night?
Biology Teacher: Uh, you're the only one who wanted to have this stupid dance. Revenge would be my guess.
Cece: What do you know?
Biology Teacher: Well, you have the grip of a much taller woman. And I don't not like that.
Cece: Ugh.

Nick: What's up, gentlemen? Just hanging out outside in the parking lot? We're not doing anything.
Oscar: We don't need a chaperone.
Nick: Calling me a 'rone? I'm not a 'rone. I'm basically the same guy as you. We're wearing the same shirt. I'm a good guy, I'm having fun. I'm just... I'm bored in there, I'm looking to hang out. Is that a crime, officers? Say, you guys got any billy whizz? Any juice, any sweet Mary Jane? I'm looking.
Felipe: Okay, if you're really not a chaperone why don't you take a sip of this?
Nick: Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I got nothing to prove.
Oscar: Are you a 'rone or not?
Nick: Give me that. [drinks, spits out] What is that? Is that a suicide? The soda flavors all mix together.
Felipe: You know it, bro.
Nick: That was super intense. Sorry, I spit some of it up.
Oscar: He's cool.

Schmidt: Hey, buddy, uh, Tommy, is it? I just I just wanted to apologize for what happened before, kiddo. [gets down on his knee]
Tommy: What, are you gonna propose to me, now? [kids chuckle]
Schmidt: [laughs] That's funny. No, I I get it. You know, when I when I was young, I too found that humor can be a useful tool.
Tommy: Dude, get up, I'm not gonna marry you.
Schmidt: [short laugh] I too found that humor can be a... [clears throat] a useful tool. And then you grow up and you become a man.
Tommy: Well, you smell like a woman.
Schmidt: That's it, enough is enough with you. You think you're a tough guy, tough guy? Prove it, man.
Tommy: Name the time and place.
Schmidt: 15 minutes, parking lot.
Tommy: Fist fight?
Schmidt: Foot race.
Tommy: A what?
Schmidt: Yeah, you heard me foot race, man. I'll run circles around you and all your pals. [stomps]

Winston: [girls giggle] Oh. You girls are multiplying like bunnies. That's weird. Lot more of you than there is of me. [imitates giggling]

Jess: We should lock all the doors. No one gets in, no one gets out. The culprit's inside. It's frickin' Gosford Park!
Cece: You need to just calm down a little, Jess.
Jess: I can't calm down! I want this to be perfect.
Cece: I know, but it's too late for that, okay? There are kids doing their homework in there. It's bleak.

Nick: Look, guys, we had a lot of fun, but we can get in a lot of trouble for doing this. Which is why you gotta run really fast when it goes off. Like now!

Jess: Well, you really did come prepared, Wendy. A wrench, some glue, a box of tampons? What were you gonna do with this?
Wendy: Um...
Jess: Oh. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Jess: This is Wendy. She was just telling me how she doesn't like to dance with boys. [Jess points and mouths "It's her" behind Wendy's back]
Cece: Oh. Yeah. Well that makes sense because boys are the dumbest.
Wendy: You're just saying that.
Jess: No. No, no. No. Cece and I have met so many boys, and they are all so dumb.
Cece: Yeah, and I've met more than her, so...
Jess: Yeah, and Cece has met more than me because she is... nicer than me.
Cece: Nicer?
Jess: I just mean you've met 'cause you're well-traveled.
Cece: "Well-traveled" is how we're gonna say it?
Jess: I mean...
Cece: You better tread lightly.
Jess: I will. Travel. You travel a lot.

Jess: Listen, are boys dumb? Yes. Yes! Do they do disappointing, stupid, stupid things that really hurt your feelings? Yes. Sometimes things don't work out the way you plan them actually, they never work out the way you plan them but, in the end, it's all worth it, and that's why you have to try.
Wendy: Are you talking about sex or dancing?
Jess & Cece: Dancing.
Jess: Oh, God.
Jess & Cece: Dancing, dancing.
Jess: We're talking about dancing.
Cece: Upright dancing.
Wendy: Okay. I'll try.

Schmidt: You look so slow. Like a s... Like a s-super dumb, slow turtle.
Tommy: I'm so fast, and you're so old.
Schmidt: So much like a like a turtle, it's crazy to me.
Tommy: Are we gonna do this or what?
Schmidt: Oh, yeah, we're gonna do this. I'm like a Hebrew cheetah. On the count of three. One... two... [Tommy starts running] thr- Flo-Jo! Flo-Jo!