Schmidt: He took my doctor's appointment suit! He took El Capitan! Damn it! The only thing he left was my summer suit with the lightning bolt on the back. I keep that in my summer bin along with my summer condoms: citrus-flavored, for a more refreshing summer experience.
Jess: That's a jar.
Winston: Jar for sure, yeah.
Schmidt: Look at this, took my suits. Left the... Left the douche bag jar. Typical meth-head.
Jess: Typical meth-head.
Winston: Yeah, it's a shame.
Schmidt: Good thing that I have a security camera in there. I'm gonna download the footage and I.D. this S.O.B. He's going down.

Schmidt: So many years of footage. This is from last May. I was trying to add an extra ab muscle.
Winston: Jess, I can't take this...
Schmidt: This is when I was experimenting with faux hawks.
Winston: I can't, I can't, I can't take it, Jess.
Jess: You can. You're gonna blow this.
Winston: My face is numb.
Schmidt: This is when I was lowering my bar sexually.

Schmidt: I can't believe this is happening. It's such an important day.
Jess: What's happening today?
Schmidt: I just have to look good. Okay? Not like some Ukrainian dentist.

Jess: Wiston, are you out of your head?
Winston: Security camera.
Jess: What are you doing?
Winston: Schmidt has a security camera. Why did I think he didn't have a security camera?
Jess: Oh. You're a briefs man. I was hoping I'd never find out.
Winston: Oh, my goodness, we should not have gone for that tub. I just like bubbles so much...
Jess: Winston, I think you're having a panic attack.
Winston: Hmm? Shut up, hey, Jess, no. I'm, uh... this is just the willies.
Jess: The w... the what? The... the willies?
Winston: The willies, yeah. It's the same thing that happened when I took my driver's test.

Jess: A lot of people get panic attacks.
Winston: The willies.
Jess: My dad used to get them all the time. Like, every time he had to make a left turn. It would take him two and a half hours to drive me to school. We'd just drive all around Portland, making right turns.

Schmidt: I'm out there every night, balling to the max, and you expect me to do what, just stop and chew up some cherry-flavored multi-V? No, thanks. I'll take my vitamins on the rocks. Double V. Heart. Spirit. Body. Party.
Emma: You gotta get specific about this vodka. Have you tried Double V?
Schmidt: No.
Emma: Let's open up this bitch.
Schmidt: Let's open up... okay.

Nick: Ladies! Stop fighting! Hey, hey! Stop this now! Don't stop this! I'm super aroused! I think I just became a dirt bag. Why did I cross the bar?

Schmidt: Cece, I can pay for our baby's college now. Literally anywhere they want to go. UCLA, UMass... any of the U schools. I love you so much.
Cece: You should probably... Oh, not... It's okay.
Schmidt: Cece, I'm gonna pee in my summer suit.
Cece: [on the phone] Hey, Mom, it's me. I think I'm ready to have you set me up. This is not a prank. Call me back.

Winston: Oh, my goodness. Thank you, man.
Remy: I see. If you guys have been playing hard to get, you don't have to. I am totally ready to get mixed up in this choco-vanilla shake.
Jess: No.
Remy: Yeah, you know what I'm talking about here. I'm just talking about...
Jess: Yes... I know, I know. We got it, we got it, Remy.
Remy: ...doing it with-with both of you.
Jess: We got it. Yeah.

Schmidt: Oh, come on! Again?
Winston: Thank God. The meth-heads came back.
Jess: They brought your suits back 'cause they don't fit them. They did the right thing, 'cause they're drug addicts, they're not monsters.
Winston: Right.
Jess: They actually got them dry-cleaned, um... deluxe package, very pricey.
Schmidt: Why'd he tie you up?
Jess: They kept saying, like, "Ah, I'm so hungry for more meth," you know? "Let's get rid of these suits. These clean... suits."