Ike: We waited for him all night! Never came back!
Reggie: So we were looking for him, you know, like a search party!
The Professor: Right there! We found his shopping cart right over there!
Natalie: Can you even see from there?
Adrian Monk: I'm fine. Is that the refrigerator?
The Professor: Huh?
Adrian Monk: Is that the refrigerator?
The Professor: What?
Adrian Monk: [shouts] Is that the refrigerator?

The Professor: And then we noticed a piece of clothing. Part of his jacket sticking out. Protruding, as it were. So we opened it.
Ike: He was kinda stuffed in there. Face-first.
Adrian Monk: He was facing away from you? [Ike nods] Did you tell that to the police?
Reggie: Yeah, but they don't listen to us, man. We're, like, invisible to them.
Adrian Monk: What'd he say? What?
Reggie: We're like inv-- They don't see us!
Adrian Monk: So then what happened?
The Professor: He fell out!
Ike: Backwards! Plop!
[Monk holds his hands out through slightly open window. Then he grabs a pair of theater binoculars]
Natalie: What is it?
Adrian Monk: There's only one handprint. He wasn't clawing around. He wasn't panicking. He was already dead. [winds the window up]

Lieutenant Disher: What was the victim's name again?
Natalie: Willie T. That's what they called him. But nobody knew his real name.
Adrian Monk: The medical examiner rubberstamped it, but we just came from the crime scene. Randy, it is all wrong. I think somebody put him in that refrigerator. We talked to his bum friends.
Natalie: His friends. Not his bum friends.
Adrian Monk: The ne'er-do-wells.
Natalie: They're homeless individuals. They said somebody was chasing him last night.
Lieutenant Disher: Okay. Well, we'll reopen the case. I'll call the M.E. myself.
Adrian Monk: Just like that?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, just like that.

Captain Stottlemeyer: [pops pain pills] So, Mrs. Parisi, let me get this straight. You filed a complaint 2 1/2 weeks ago, you said somebody vandalized your house.
Mrs. Parisi: That's right.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You said you thought some teenagers painted this thing on your front door.
Mrs. Parisi: This is not a thing. It's a fountain.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay. So some teenagers painted this fountain on your front door and now you want to withdraw the complaint.
Mrs. Parisi: That's right. It wasn't teenagers. I know that now. It was God. It was a sign from God.
Captain Stottlemeyer: God drew a little picture on your front door?
Mrs. Parisi: It was a miracle. Last summer, I couldn't breathe, my lungs were burning.
Mr. Parisi: She couldn't breathe. We went to three different doctors.
Mrs. Parisi: And then I heard on the news about the fountain at the Franklin Park Monastery.
Mr. Parisi: It looked just like this. It was this fountain. And when she drank from it...
Mrs. Parisi: I was cured.
Mr. Parisi: She's eating again. She can sleep. It's a miracle.
Mrs. Parisi: It's a miracle.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's a miracle.
Mrs. Parisi: It's a miracle. Write that down. "It's a miracle."
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yep.

Adrian Monk: Oh, there he is. How you doing?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I feel like I look.
Natalie: Oh, God, back problems are the worst.
Adrian Monk: What did the doctor say?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, I got five doctors. And they haven't got a clue. They've got me on three different medications. I've tried everything. Even this crap.
Adrian Monk: What is it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I don't know. It's some sort of organic, hippie concoction from hell. My aunt sent me a whole carton of it. Ugh, it tastes like chalk.
Natalie: What's in it?
Adrian Monk: Chalk extract...

Lieutenant Disher: Captain, why don't you just head on home? We got things covered here.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, no, I can't go home. Look at all those open cases.
Lieutenant Disher: Actually, these ones are all cleared. We were nine for nine this week.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Nine for nine. Good job. I guess I'll just go home. Not that anybody would notice.
Adrian Monk: You think you'll be okay?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm fine. Except for the alimony I can't afford, I haven't had a date in two... two years, and my son, my oldest boy, Jared is not talking to me. He's with his mother. He doesn't even pick up the phone. Merry Christmas.

Katie Doyle: Was there a sign on your house?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah.
Katie Doyle: Me too. I was the first one here. I was in a car accident last year. I busted my hip. They said I'd never walk again. Five weeks ago, the sign appeared on my garage door. It said, "Drink."
Captain Stottlemeyer: Drink?
Katie Doyle: Two days later, I was on a tour group with my church. We stopped here. And there it was. So I drank.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And...
Katie Doyle: The doctor says it's a miracle. I think he's right. I've been telling everyone. I even went on the 6:00 news, you know. To spread the word.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay.

Brother Andrew: You're not a believer. I can tell. Believe me, I was a lot more skeptical than you. We all were.
Captain Stottlemeyer: So what do you do? You selling tickets? You got a gift shop?
Brother Andrew: No. There's no gimmick here, my friend. Nobody's making a nickel on this. In fact, we're losing money. We were planning to build some classrooms right where we're standing.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And now?
Brother Andrew: Well, we can't build here now. This is sacred ground. Are you a man of faith?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Um, I was an altar boy, and I thought I wanted to be a priest when I was a kid.
Brother Andrew: Ah, it's never too late. It's not a one-way street. You can always go back. Take a leap.

Adrian Monk: Ok, what's this?
Natalie: Flowers for the captain.
Adrian Monk: No, I mean these. Utensils. New plates.
Natalie: Didn't I mention? I invited a few friends to your place for Christmas dinner.
Adrian Monk: I don't have any friends.
Natalie: Well, they're not really friends. They're really more clients.
Adrian Monk: Well, I don't have any clients except the bums. [Natalie clears her throat] I said, I don't have any clients except for the bums.

Owen McCloskey: Captain Stottlemeyer! Feeling better?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Eh, not really.
Owen McCloskey: My brother-in-law had a bad back. You know what fixed it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: What?
Owen McCloskey: Acupuncture. He swears by it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Been there. Done that. I've tried everything. I've tried crystals, acupuncture... This morning, I was at the monastery in Franklin Park drinking water from the fountain.
Owen McCloskey: Oh, yeah, it was on the news. The miracle fountain. Any luck?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Not yet.
Owen McCloskey: Well, maybe it's a time-release miracle.