‘Mr. Monk and the Miracle’
Season 7, Episode 9 - Aired November 28, 2008
Three homeless men hire Monk to figure out what happened to their friend who was murdered. Meanwhile, the Captain abruptly quits the force and joins a monastery after his back pain is miraculously healed.
Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer
Captain Stottlemeyer: [laughs] Yeah, say, are you a religious man?
Owen McCloskey: Can't say that I am.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I only ask 'cause I saw the... [points to cross on the wall]
Owen McCloskey: Oh, my ex-partner put that up the day we opened. Real devil dodger. Used to go to church every week for years. Rain or shine. Till the day he embezzled $18,000 from me and disappeared. You got a partner?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes, I do.
Owen McCloskey: Be careful. That's all I can tell you.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay.
Quote from Natalie
Julie Teeger: So, um, why do they you call you the professor?
Natalie: Julie, it's probably because he loves to read, and probably because he's curious about the world, and other cultures.
The Professor: I eat books.
Quote from Adrian Monk
Adrian Monk: Excuse me. I'm just using my napkin to wipe away any food that might be on my face. I'm just wiping my face. It's fun.
Quote from Adrian Monk
Reggie: Well, thank you for that, Mr. Monk. I mean, we really appreciate that.
The Professor: It's the best 14 bucks we ever spent.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, yeah, speaking of money, It wasn't exactly $14. You were a little short. Yeah, this... They wouldn't redeem these three bottles 'cause they are from guess where? Canada. I mean, it's no big deal. It's 15 cents. It's hardly worth mentioning, but... [notices ingredients] Chalk extract.
Quote from Adrian Monk
Adrian Monk: Captain? Captain?
Man: Shh.
Adrian Monk: Sorry. I'm just looking for a friend of mine.
Man: Ssh.
Adrian Monk: Here's the thing.
Man: Shh!
Adrian Monk: Here's the thing.
Man: Ssh.
Adrian Monk: Here's the thing.
Quote from Adrian Monk
Adrian Monk: I can't do it.
Natalie: Oh, Mr. Monk, come on.
Adrian Monk: I can't.
Natalie: Please.
Adrian Monk: Look, there's the captain's cane.
Natalie: Yeah, it's part of the ritual, because he didn't need it anymore. Please drink.
Adrian Monk: Natalie.
Natalie: What? What is it?
Adrian Monk: These pills. Half the bottles - more than half - are from the same pharmacy. There's something wrong here. Here, just put this in your bag. Let's take some more.
Katie Doyle: What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: I'm sorry, ma'am. I'm afraid you have to stay back. This may be a crime scene.
Katie Doyle: A crime scene?
Adrian Monk: Conspiracy. Probably fraud.
Katie Doyle: It isn't fraud. It was murder. This has gone long enough. It wasn't me. I didn't even know him then. Nine years ago, my fiance caught his business partner stealing money, and killed him.
Natalie: Your fiance?
Katie Doyle: Owen McCloskey. He filled those prescriptions.
Adrian Monk: The pharmacist.
Quote from Adrian Monk
Captain Stottlemeyer: So he was messing with everybody's medication, making us all sicker, and then he sent us to that fountain.
Adrian Monk: That's it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: So after we drank, he'd give us some real medication. Making us all feel better.
Adrian Monk: And it worked. The fountain became a shrine, a sacred place.
Natalie: Which, of course, they would never dig up.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, so much for miracles.
Quote from Adrian Monk
The Professor: Thank you, Mr. Monk. This is the best christmas I can remember.
Adrian Monk: I was just doing my job.
Reggie: No, it wasn't just that. Thanks for the caring.
Adrian Monk: Well, the caring part was mostly Natalie.
Ike: We, uh, we wanted to give you something. We made it ourselves. It's gravy.
Adrian Monk: I can't take that.
The Professor: No, we insist. After all you've done for us.
Natalie: No, no, no, he means he literally can't take it. I got it, though. Thank you so much. Merry Christmas.