Varla Davis: And since we're going to be together for two weeks, there's a few things you need to know.
Adrian Monk: No, no, no.
Varla Davis: All right? I get a hour for lunch by myself with a TV. Okay, by 5:30, what? In my car driving away waving goodbye. I get weekends off. Don't call me at home unless it's an emergency, which it won't be, so don't ever call me.
Adrian Monk: Yeah.
Varla Davis: There you go again, looking at my chest.
Adrian Monk: No, no, I'm...
Varla Davis: Touch me again and I'm going to smack you so hard, even your children will feel it. Now, where you keep the chips?
Adrian Monk: I don't, I don't have any children. Um, Trudy and I talked about it, but, uh...
Varla Davis: Oh, shoot, there's a crumb.

Varla Davis: I'm worried about that girl. I have never seen anybody fall apart that fast.
Adrian Monk: Really?
Varla Davis: I used to work in the psycho wards. Nobody starts hallucinating overnight, unless they've been chewing those mushrooms. But with Sharona, there were no warning signs at all. It just doesn't make sense.
Adrian Monk: You're right.
Varla Davis: I know I'm right. I don't need you to tell me I'm right. What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: I want to check something out. That's what I do. You come with me.
Varla Davis: What?
Adrian Monk: It's part of the job. I'm a detective, and you are my helper.
Varla Davis: I'm your what?

Adrian Monk: She parks the car here. She gets out, come on. You be her. Screwdriver man appears. He walks toward her.
Varla Davis: What is it? Is that a clue?
Adrian Monk: It's a silver tip from a cowboy boot. Sharona said he was wearing cowboy boots.
Varla Davis: Ooh, maybe it was Garth Brooks. There. I solved the case. [Monk smiles] What? Am I right about Garth Brooks?
Adrian Monk: She wasn't hallucinating. He was here. Wipe.
Varla Davis: Wipe what?
Adrian Monk: When I say "wipe," you give me a handwipe. That's how it works.
Varla Davis: That's how what works?
Adrian Monk: It.
Varla Davis: You better get over it real fast.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, I'm going to have another talk with the grieving widow.
Varla Davis: Yes, you do that. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on, Dishwater. I need you to take me home, baby. It's 5:30.
Lieutenant Disher: I have to go with the captain.
Varla Davis: No, you need to take me home. I'm not going to be standing around here watching y'all read nobody their rights, now. I'm ready to go. I said I say 5:30, I get off at 5:30. Get in the car. Come on. Get in the car. Let's go. What are you looking at? My eyes are up here!

Sharona: Do you want to wait here or meet me inside?
Adrian Monk: Uh... Um... I... I will say no.
Sharona: Why don't you just come with me?
Adrian Monk: No... Uh... Down there? I'm not, not good with garage. It's so, garage like.

Lieutenant Disher: So listen, I got to file a report here. You understand, right? This man you saw he was, what, medium build, about 30 years old?
Sharona: Maybe 35. And he was wearing boots and a cowboy shirt.
Lieutenant Disher: And he, uh, had a knife in his chest.
Sharona: Yeah, and a screwdriver in his ear.
Lieutenant Disher: Flat head or Phillips head? Sorry. And this guy, he called you by your name.
Sharona: Yep.
Lieutenant Disher: I mean, did he say anything else?
Sharona: "Douglas is worried about you."
Lieutenant Disher: "Douglas is worried about you." Who's Douglas?
Sharona: Douglas was my father's name.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, where's he now?
Sharona: He's been dead for 20 years.

Captain Stottlemeyer: The luminol tests are negative. There is no sign of blood.
Adrian Monk: Well, maybe whoever killed the guy, cleaned up.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What, in two minutes, and got rid of a body? Even you couldn't do that.

Adrian Monk: Look at the windshield.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay, what about it?
Adrian Monk: There were four dead bugs on that windshield in the shape of a trapezoid.
Captain Stottlemeyer: A trapezoid.
Adrian Monk: Yeah. They've been there all day. Somebody wiped it off.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, maybe she wiped it off.
Adrian Monk: Why would she do that?
Captain Stottlemeyer: You tell me. Look, Monk, you're the best on-site detective I know. Do you see anything here, anything at all besides the missing trapezoid bugs to corroborate her story?

Benjy: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What, what are you doing?
Adrian Monk: Putting them away. Hey, watch this. Two at a time.
Benjy: No, no, no. You're supposed to knock them down.
Adrian Monk: What?
Benjy: You're supposed to knock them over.
Adrian Monk: No, no, wait, wait, wait, Benjy, Benjy, Benjamin. No, no, see, if, if you knock that one over, then they're all going to go. And then, then you have a giant mess. Thank God I was here. Let's put them away. This is fun.
Benjy: But, you know...
Adrian Monk: Hey, hey. Let's put them away in order. Here. Here's a 2 dotter.
Benjy: Fine.
Adrian Monk: Looking for all the 2 dotters.

Benjy: I can't believe she actually likes going to school. She stays up all night writing her stories.
Adrian Monk: What kind of stories?
Benjy: I don't know. She doesn't let me read them. I saw the name of one, though. "The Fatal Recipe. "
Adrian Monk: Yeah.
Benjy: I think it's a mystery.