Kevin Dorfman: And please let that be your card. No? Is this your card that I magically pulled out of your ear? No? Is it a heart or a spade? Red or black? Is it a Jack of clubs?
Man in Audience: [o.s.] Say yes!
Woman: Uh, yes.
Kevin Dorfman: Excellent! Thank you so much! Jack of clubs it was. Give her a round of applause. She was excellent. Um, thank you. And now, who wants to get sawed in Half? No? No one? All right. You're leaving? Excellent. Thanks so much. Thanks so much for coming. Nobody wants to be sawed in half. No one? Fantastic.

Kevin Dorfman: Okay, excellent. My name is Kevin Dorfman. If you liked the show, please tell management. And, my goodness., don't look at my pants. Please. Everything's fine. It's all part of the act. This is this is part of it. Ah, that really hurt me. Nibbling. 'kay. Hurt a little bit. I'm going to leave now. Thank you so much. Thank you. I thought they only ate lettuce!

Kevin Dorfman: Presentation B-minus. Energy A-minus. Execution, let's be honest, D-plus. D-minus. But don't let it get you down. You gotta just focus. [door opens] What are you doin' here?

Lieutenant Disher: How long have you two been going out?
Vicki: Since yesterday.
Sharona: Really? Wow. That's- That's fast.
Kevin Dorfman: Yeah. I've been asking her out all summer long. "No." "No." "Drop dead." "No." But then suddenly last night, "Yes".
Vicki: And I've been saying "Yes" ever since.

Kevin Dorfman: Oh, hi. Excuse me. Sorry to bother you. Adrian, do you have any olive oil? I'm making mushroom moussaka. It's Vicki's favorite.
Adrian Monk: Uh, uh, yeah, I think so. How's it going up there?
Kevin Dorfman: Pretty good. We haven't left the apartment since Friday.
Adrian Monk: I know. I can, uh... I know.
Kevin Dorfman: The fact is, I think I'm in love.
Adrian Monk: Good. Good. Love is good. Is there anything else?
Kevin Dorfman: Oh, well, let's see. Uh, I have the eggplant. I have the chopped onions.
Adrian Monk: Excellent.
Kevin Dorfman: have the salt. And I have the cinnamon.
Adrian Monk: Okay! If you need anything...
Kevin Dorfman: I have the oregano. I have the parsley. I don't have butter, but I can use margarine.
Adrian Monk: What a relief. What a relief. Well, this was fun.
Kevin Dorfman: I will bring this back to you later.
Adrian Monk: No, no. You keep it. It's yours. Good luck!

Kevin Dorfman: Mr. Monk, I don't think you've ever met Vicki before.
Vicki: Honey, he obviously can't shake hands right now.
Kevin Dorfman: Oh, it's okay. He's not big on handshakes anyway. I just had to tell somebody. We're getting married!
Sharona: Really? So fast?
Adrian Monk: When's the big day?
Kevin Dorfman: Tomorrow. Vicki didn't want to wait.
Vicki: Yeah, I have a friend who works at the hospital, so we don't have to wait for blood tests. Come on, honey. We're late.
Kevin Dorfman: Okay. Holy Toledo. We've got to go. Tell me who wins.

Kevin Dorfman: Why are we stopped?
Vicki: Oh, you'll find out, in seven minutes. Drink up.
Kevin Dorfman: Huh. I really do love you.
Vicki: Yeah. Well, everybody makes mistakes.
Kevin Dorfman: Yeah. What's that?
Vicki: Oh, it's my inheritance. My husband was killed in a train accident. [Kevin gasps] He was drinking. He fell asleep at the wheel on the tracks. He was killed instantly.
Kevin Dorfman: Oh, that's terrible.
Vicki: Yeah.

Kevin Dorfman: Adrian, Sharona, I'm heading out. Wanted to stop in, say ciao.
Adrian Monk: Where are you going?
Kevin Dorfman: Well, my place in Maui isn't ready yet, so I'll be staying at my house in Aspen for a little while.
Adrian Monk: Great.
Sharona: Have you heard from Vicki?
Kevin Dorfman: Who? [cell phone rings] Excuse me. [answers] Bonaduce! Yeah, what's happening, Danny Boy? [to Monk] Hang on. I've got to take this. But listen. I wanted to give you a little something for your trouble.
Adrian Monk: Oh, no, Kevin. No, I, uh I can't take any money from you.
Sharona: Well, I can. Thanks.
Kevin Dorfman: Take care of each other. And remember, you gotta be in it to win it.

Kevin Dorfman: Who is it?
Adrian Monk: It's Trudy's father. It's my father-in-law.
Kevin Dorfman: Yeah, he called this morning.
Adrian Monk: Why didn't you tell me?
Kevin Dorfman: I did. I wrote it on a Post-it note. We need more of those, by the way. We're out of them.

Adrian Monk: What are you doing? What is that?
Kevin Dorfman: It's Roddy Lankman's pencil. Yeah, those are his teeth marks. This is what you call a collectible. You can look, but don't touch.
Adrian Monk: I don't want to touch it.
Kevin Dorfman: Yeah, right. Seriously, don't touch it.