Mitchell: I don't even remember half these bars. Did we go to a hospital last night?
Cameron: Okay, Grandma Tucker's hangover remedy... Put a pat of butter underneath your tongue, tip your head back, and I'll pour the hot sauce up your nose.

Mitchell: Cam, you know our rule, we never go out two nights in a row.
Cameron: Yeah, I know, but this is...
Mitchell: We're already pushing it by going to that lecture series tonight.
Cameron: What lecture series?
Mitchell: Alan Greenspan's top aide. We bought the season pass so we'd get premium seating to "A Night of Sarcasm with Fran Lebowitz."

Claire: [aside to camera] I made a decision to be less negative. It's the new me, the girl who says "yes." [large dog walks by] Friend went to Mexico for the weekend. I'm finding the level.

Phil: Crockett and Tubbs, you look snazzy.
Luke: Thanks, I think. I'm trying to step up my game. I started seeing someone from work.

Jay: Done. I just approved another design. The most luxurious dog bed yet. I call it... The Top of the Bark.
Gloria: Ah, that's nice that you can run your new company at home in clothes that you can only wear at home.
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: When men get to a certain age, they stop trying. I've seen it before. First, it starts with the clothes, then the body, then the brain. But I can't say anything to Jay, because when it comes to his appearance, he's very sensitive.

Alex: Seriously?!
Phil: The Kepler Award? Is this where you're going, 'cause it looks like it's a big deal?
Alex: It's just a boring reception for finalists.
Phil: Well, I love a good reception. What time are we expected?
Alex: Oh, I don't think I'm allowed to bring guests.
Phil: Says here, "families welcome."
Alex: But I didn't RSVP.
Phil: Says here, "walk-ins encouraged."
Alex: What an informative flyer. [laughs]

Gloria: Ooh, I like this new Claire that says "yes" to things. Before, you would be like, uh... What is the word for grouchy?
Claire: I don't think it matters now. Early 20s, huh. Well, you're still beating gravity at that point. I bet everything is right where it should be.
Janice: Oh, yes.
Claire: Yeah.
Janice: Check out this selfie he sent of his abs.
Claire: Damn!

Mitchell: Cam, hurry! If we get there early enough, we get to submit a question about Greenspan. I got a doozy about stag-flation.

Jay: [v.o.] The bocce situation was worse than I feared. I had to get the range back in the hands of the Sunrise Swingers.
Jay: Listen, I, uh, got to be discreet. Uh, I'm sort of behind enemy lines here. But, uh, if I'm not mistaken, you're a fellow, uh, "swinger."
Janice: Excuse me?
Jay: No, no, it's okay. I'm cool. It's just that I, uh... I'm trying to get something started here. I mean, uh, of course we have to meet in secrecy, but I don't mind hosting at my house.
Janice: Are you actually suggesting...
Jay: Lady, wake up. Our way of life is under attack. Pretty soon, there won't be enough of us for a decent foursome.
Janice: [quietly] I have to go.
Jay: Okay. Well, just think about it.

Alex: That's Dr. Stieglitz. He makes the final decision on the award. He's brilliant and scary and impossible to impress.
Phil: Hey, I know this is your dad talking, but you're pretty brilliant and scary and impossible yourself.