Phil: [aside to camera] It wasn't just about lunch. Of my three kids, I've always felt least connected with Alex. And I'm afraid that the distance between us might grow after she graduates. Wow. Graduates? It was just, like, ten years ago when she took her first college course.

Jay: No, I'm going down there, get the support of some of the other golfers. Maybe I can fight this thing.
Gloria: Okay, good idea, but don't forget that there is a dress code at the club.
Jay: They probably already overturned it. Ah, the whole place went to hell when they stopped putting ice in the urinals. There's just something about destroying a thing while you're taking a pee that makes a man feel like a man.

Manny: Good dawning, all.
Jay: What am I looking at? Is the vet worried you're gonna bite yourself?
Manny: It's a traditional Tudor collar. I'm pledging my school's Elizabethan Society, and I have to wear this as a hazing ritual.
Gloria: I don't hate it. I think it makes your head look like one of those fancy cookies.
Manny: I also have to recite several Shakespearean monologues and festoon our dining hall with some bawdy bunting.
Jay: What happened to hazing? It used to be macho stuff, you know, like making a guy drink a shot out of your belly button or passing an orange around only using your butt cheeks.
Manny: Look. It's one of the most selective groups on campus. I don't want to jinx it, but a week from now, I could be learning the steps of the secret minuet.
Jay: This is what happens when you eliminate campus bullying.