Dr. Stieglitz: "Damn. Might as well ask Schrödinger's cat."
Phil: [laughter] Pets. I once had a macaw that could use a remote control. Watched a lot of cable. You'd think, uh... You'd think Animal Planet, but it was mostly Cinemax. I'm Alex's dad. Alex, get in here.
Dr. Stieglitz: Actually, I was referring to a thought experiment concerning a paradox in quantum mechanics.
Phil: Yes, quite, quite. Where are you all from originally?

Alex: [aside to camera] It was so embarrassing. Professor Stieglitz is a genius. He doesn't fall for people who pretend to understand him by saying things like "Quite, quite," or, "Indeed," or...
[flashback:]
Phil: Touché, my good man! But seriously, I-I have a science question I've always wondered about.
Alex: Uh, maybe keep wondering.
Phil: Would there be a safe amount of helium you could give a baby that would lift it off the ground?
Dr. Stieglitz: What?
Phil: [laughing] Oh. I don't want it to float away. I-I just want it to have fun.

Alex: Could you do me a favor? I'm having a package delivered to my dorm room, and someone needs to be there to sign for it.
Phil: Can't your roommate do it?
Alex: No. She got deported.
Phil: I thought she was from Arkansas.
Alex: Yeah, but her parents were... traitors.
Phil: Beth and Allen?
Alex: Don't feel bad. We all fell for it.

Phil: Hey. How in the world did you find me?
Alex: You know that app you can put on kids' phones to track them?
Phil: You put one on my phone after I surprised you today?
Alex: Don't make me feel worse than I already do.

Phil: Wait a minute. You won?! Congratulations!
Alex: Please don't be happy for me. I can't take it. I was such a jerk to you.
Phil: No, honey, I get it. I, uh... I know I can be embarrassing. I... I just get nervous around smart people. Sometimes even you. The first time I ever said "quite, quite" was when you were five years old and you just told me about how plants make carbon dioxide.
Alex: This may surprise you, but... sometimes I wish I was more like you, the way you're always able to enjoy life.
Phil: Believe it or not, I felt the same way about my dad. I'm a... I'm a pessimist compared to him. And his dad actually suffered from a smile-induced hernia.

Alex: It's prank week, and I spent the whole time in the library. Sometimes I feel like I just went through the four best years of my life, only I forgot to make them the four best years of my life.
Phil: Well, college isn't over. And I just may be able to help you make up for a little lost time. Hot Wing Trivia's about to start. I have you guys registered as "The Dunphys"?
Alex: How did you...? You knew I was coming?
Phil: Let's not forget where you learned about that tracking app. [Scottish accent] And there's one tiny change. We're actually the MacDunphys.

[aside to camera:]
Alex: Only my dad would think that a trivia game...
[flashback:]
Alex: [Scottish accent] The Triangle Shirtwaist Fire. [bell dings, crowd cheers]
[v.o.]
Alex: ...where you balance hats on your head, drink beer as a reward...
[flashback:]
Phil: [Scottish accent] Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. [bell dings, crowd cheers]
[v.o.]
Alex: ...and eat hot wings as a punishment...
[flashback:]
Phil: Millard Fillmore! [buzzer, crowd chanting "Eat!"]
[v.o.]
Alex: ...needed that one last twist of a Scottish accent.
[flashback:]
Alex: Dopey, Sneezy... and Grumpy? bell dings, crowd cheers]
[v.o.]
Alex: Whoever said the most important thing in life is winning awards... wasn't all wrong.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] I had made a mistake. Cam was off on an adventure while I sat there dying of boredom, surrounded by people dying of natural causes.

Janice: [cellphone chimes] My daughter. She wants to have friends over. I said no parties.
Luke: Hey, you relax. [on the phone] Denise, your mother and I deserve one night off.

Jay: [aside to camera] The lady from the club! Either she didn't know I was Gloria's husband and things were about to get very awkward, or she did know and she was here to follow up on my accidental proposition. God, I hate company!