Cameron: Well, well, well. What is this all about? Is there a-a new man in Alex's life?
Claire: Well, she certainly thinks so. Is there any way that boy is straight?
Mitchell: Ooh, what's going on? Who are we looking at?
Claire: Uh, it's Alex's new "boyfriend" Michael.
Mitchell: What's up with the air quotes?
Cameron: She thinks he's gay.
Claire: I "think" he's gay she same way I "think" that lamp is hideous.
Cameron: Okay, brought it, made it in art class.

Claire: Look, I like Michael. I really do. I just- I don't want her to get her heart broken. When it comes to boys, her self-esteem is low enough as it is.
Cameron: I don't know. Alex seems pretty darn tough.
Claire: Oh, she's just sarcastic on the outside. Inside, she's just a fragile little girl.
Mitchell: By all means, look right at me when you say that.
Claire: If she wants to get her heart broken by a gay guy, she can do so when she's 18 or 19 and can drink her way through it.
Mitchell: Aw. You're a "good mother".

Cameron: I don't know, Claire. You could be wrong. Boys aren't as concerned about traditional masculinity any more. You know, they're not butching it up. They're not pushing down their feelings.
Mitchell: Yeah, they care about their clothes. They- They- They groom. Everybody's hairless. Yeah, you can't tell anything any more.
Claire: Really?
Alex: Uncle Mitch, Uncle Cam, this is Michael.
Mitchell: Hi.
Cameron: Hello.
Michael: [camp voice] Hi!
Alex: Okay, come on.
Mitchell: Yep, he's gay.
Cameron: We stand corrected.

Phil: [aside to camera] I know I looked super cool on the outside, but on the inside, I was terrified. And then I remembered that Fonzie once put together a whole motorcycle while blind. And I thought, that was a great show, and I got really distracted and- And I forgot I was scared. So I headed up the canyon and I left the city behind. I'd never felt so exhilarated. I don't know exactly when it happened, but somewhere on that lonely road, the bike and I became one. Oh. Oh, no. No. Oh, you're heavy! No! Uh-oh!

Luke: Lock the door. Okay, let's do this.
Manny: No matter what we find in here, I will always love my mother.
Luke: Even if it's a head?
Manny: It's not a head. [opens box] Oh, my God! It's a head! Ah!
Luke: Finally!

Cameron: Mitchell! I was just in the car, and I found my fat pants in there. Do you know anything about that?
Mitchell: What? No! No. Did you forget to put 'em out?
Cameron: No. Remember? I posed, people clapped I had my moment.
Mitchell: I do remember that. That- Oh, that was a great moment. I am so proud of you.
Cameron: What's going on? You're being weird.
Mitchell: What? First, I'm a pants thief and- and now I can't pay you a compliment? You know who's being weird? You. Here comes Claire! Hey, girl!
Claire: I don't know what that was.

Claire: Okay, I just saw Alex and Michael sittin' in a tree. Don't make me spell this out for you.
Mitchell: Well, what can you do?
Claire: I can't do anything, but you two could talk to her.
Mitchell: And tell her what?
Claire: Michael's playing for the pink team.
Cameron: Okay, we get to say that. You don't really.

Claire: Can we get back to my problem?
Mitchell: You don't have a problem, okay? They're kids. They're gonna work it out.
Claire: [to Cameron] Can you talk to her?
Cameron: Not when she's like this. Oh, you mean Alex.
Claire: Mm-hmm.
Cameron: Yeah. I'll do it.

Phil: [recording] Claire, kids, if you're seeing this, then they found my body. Or I finally got a signal and I sent it to you in an e-mail. Although in that case, I'd just call. But sometimes you can actually get a pretty decent data signal and no voice. I know I'm not making any sense. I've been trapped out here now for 27 minutes. I'm such an idiot. Why did I bring this stupid motorcycle out here? To prove I'm a man? I am a man. [spits up bug]

Manny: Mom.
Gloria: Manny, what is this doing here?
Luke: If you don't mind, we'll be asking the questions now.
Gloria: I do mind.
Luke: I apologize.