Gloria: [as Uncle Grumpy] Holy maracas! I think I sat on the right lap! Uncle Grumpy, we're in public. Ay, look at all those white faces! I see we made it over the wall. Uncle Grumpy, are you in a bad mood? Damn right I am! I just came from the movies. A whole day's pay to see "Basic Instinct." Oh. And what did you think? Basically, it stinked. You're so grumpy. Damn right I am! I just met the girl of my dreams. Ay, that's such great news. No.
She gave me the termites.
Jay: Gloria, I'm just gonna- Oh, jeez. I don't even wanna know what this is. I'm outta here.
Gloria: You're leaving?
Jay: Damn right. The only difference between this and a home invasion is I get to shoot people at a home invasion.
Claire: Oh, my God. She married her puppet.

Man: Hey, you got any bread? I wanna make sure this thing still works.
Jay: Yeah, that' not gonna happen.
Man: Oh, it doesn't have to be bread. I mean, I can get the information I need from, like, a bagel or a frozen waffle.
Jay: Look, kid, you're just gonna have to roll the dice on this one.
Man: I don't know. What's your return policy?
Jay: You return, I call the police.

Mitchell: Okay, we're not doing this.
Cameron: No. Well, now hold on. Just a minute. You know, when I was young and straight, I left a trail of broken hearts like a rock star. I'm not proud of it.
Mitchell: Ah, you're kinda proud of it. You work it into a lot of conversations. He brought it up yesterday.
Cameron: Okay, how am I supposed to walk into a dry cleaner and not mention my girlfriend Wendy Jo Martinizer?