Luke: Sorry for snooping around and finding your old man doll.
Gloria: In Colombia, if you snoop around the wrong box, you might end up inside that box.

Luke: I shouldn't have done it. Now I feel bad for Manny.
Gloria: What do you mean?
Luke: Well, I don't know. He's always talking about how brave you are, how you're not afraid of anything. Now he just seems a little sad.
Gloria: How sad?
Luke: Don't worry. It's a good thing. He needs a little dose of reality. You walk around school telling everyone how great your mommy is all the time, you find yourself on the business end of a wedgie.
[aside to camera:]
Luke: I know how to push buttons to get what I want, and what I want is to see a puppet show.

Mitchell: Well, we ruined Alex's life, by the way.
Claire: I don't know. She looks okay.
Cameron: Oh, looks like they made up.
Claire: If she would just listen to me, I could have avoid her so much pain.
Mitchell: Give it a rest. She's 14, all right? No matter who that boy is, he's not gonna last.
Claire: Mm, you're right.
Cameron: Well, at least with a gay kid, you know she's gonna get a great flower arrangement. Should've seen the one I made Annabelle. Arranged it myself. It was gorgeous, till she pulled it apart and spelled "homo" on my porch.

Manny: Jay, should I get rid of this?
Jay: The hat, the jacket, or the cane? Actually, yes. Just yes.

Luke: You're not even here anymore.
Haley: [over video chat] But it's my stuff. Where's Mom? Luke, take me to Mom. And move slow. I'm still drunk- ing my coffee.

Alex: Mom, is it okay if Michael comes to the yard sale?
Claire: Well, honey, did't you see him last night?
Alex: So? Why don't you like my boyfriend?
Claire: I do like him.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: I'm just 90% sure he's 100% gay.

Manny: Remember, everyone, this is for charity. Every dollar we earn helps a diseased child, a starving child, an abused child. Now have fun!

Mitchell: Oh, every time. Every time he loses weight, he gets rid of his big pants. And then when he puts the weight back on, he has to buy them all new again. It's- It's a nightmare.
Jay: Just put the jeans in the car while he's in the house.
Mitchell: No, Dad! That's incredibly dis- I'm gonna do that. Yeah.

Gloria: Manny. What is this case doing here?
Manny: I found it in the attic. Why? What is it?
Gloria: Nothing that concerns you. It's from Colombia.
Man: But I thought you said-
Gloria: You thought nothing. It's going back in the attic, and I want no more questions.
Manny: Why?
Gloria: That's a question.

Phil: Oh, she's a beaut.
Jay: What, you wouldn't be interested in it, would you?
Phil: Why wouldn't I be?
Jay: Well, I just never thought of you as a motorcycle kinda guy.
Phil: I would be if Claire would ever let me have one.
Claire: You can have a motorcycle if you want.
Phil: Ha, ha, ha. Can I also have an affair with my super hot receptionist?
Claire: What super hot receptionist?
Phil: Don't change the subject! Now what would everybody like for lunch?