Luke: Come on, guys! You're killing us!
Doug: Where the heck is Mexico?
Manny: Good news, gentlemen! I found another rope. If we double-Dutch, everyone wins.

Phil: Okay, hold still. And wait for it. This is what you'd look like fat and bald.
Bill: On my phone, that app's called a camera.
Phil: Bill, don't do that to yourself. Let me tell you something. Ellen is one lucky woman. [all laugh]
Jay: Why is that funny?
Phil: Because she's married to Jerry.

Jerry: Jay, you got any good apps?
Jay: I don't know. I got call waiting. Is that an app? [all laugh] You guys laugh a lot, huh?
Phil: Jay's a little technologically challenged.
Jay: From a guy who can't drive a stick.
Jerry: What?
Bill: You can't?
Jay: Well he called me to rescue him one time. He got stuck on a hill. He was afraid to let go of the clutch. Well by the time I got there, traffic's backed up half a mile, everybody's yelling at him. He's in tears.
Phil: Not tears. Maybe sweat.
Jay: Yeah, sweatin' out your eyes.

Alex: [aside to camera] I had about ten pretty bad pictures of Haley. I could have quit right there, but I'm a perfectionist. I thought, "I could do better. She could look worse."

Police Officer: What's the problem?
Mitchell: Look, I don't want to be up here. You know? But this is my daughter's favorite tree. And my partner- He's all up in arms about them cutting it down, so...
Police Officer: Well, if your partner's so worked up, why isn't he here?
Mitchell: Oh, well, that's a very good question. It's because he starts things, and he doesn't finish them, so then I have to.
Police Officer: Just like my wife. You know, my therapist would say we're "enabling" them.

Police Officer: It's not your fight. So why don't you do us a favor, and come on down?
Mitchell: Because he's right, all right? That's the frustrating part. I-I've been sitting up here these past few hours, and this tree is beautiful, okay? And I-I can hear the squirrels dancing through the branches, you know, chasing each other, no idea what's about to happen. You know, this isn't just a tree. This is a home.
Construction Worker: Yeah, to, like, a hundred rats. They're all over this thing.
Mitchell: Well, that changes nothing. I will wait you guys out all night if I have to. [on the phone] Cam, you got 20 minutes, and I'm out of this tree. Terry, you wanna get ready with that hose?

Haley: Oh, my God! A gold bracelet! Hey, can we keep what we find?

Phil: I scooped ice cream all summer for that boombox!

Cameron: Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen! Oakwood rep's production of "Cats"! Make sure you catch it this week. Word on the street is the understudy steals the show! Mitchell, I get two more shows! Kenny van Heffington's toenail is infected!

Claire: Look, as I said before, it was an accident.
Store Manager: Heard it a thousand times. Grandmothers, businessmen, honor students. They all say the same thing, "It was an accident. I don't know how that clock radio got in my pants."
Gloria: Oh, for God sake! I don't feel well. Let us go.
Store Manager: Yeah, right. Is that even a baby? 'Cause from here, it looks like a turkey.