Fireman: Who does he belong to?
Mitchell: He's mine.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: It was a great ending to an amazing day. Look, I even made the paper. "Bizarre protest saves park tree." Oh, look what it says. "This production of 'Cats' should be put to sleep."
Mitchell: Don't read that.

Luke: Things can get pretty rough out there. I couldn't get my hands on any cigarettes. But I did make you a shiv out of an old knife.
Claire: You don't make a shiv out of a knife.
Phil: Yeah, you make a shiv out of a rusty spoon or a shard of glass.
Claire: Or a human femur.
Phil: Exactly. Be creative.

Luke: They're gonna eat you alive, suburbia.

Mitchell: Cam, do you remember why I didn't want you to swap out the handles on Lily's dresser?
Cameron: Because you lack a designer's eye and fear change?
Mitchell: No. Because I was afraid two weeks would go by, and we'd still be using a spatula to get at Lily's clothes.

Cameron: Okay, well, we have bigger issues. Guess what they are cutting down at the park today?
Mitchell: A tree?
Cameron: Yes. How did you know that?
Mitchell: I played a hunch.
Cameron: Not just any tree, Tree-ona Elmsly.
Mitchell: Oh, no. That's terrible. That's our picnic tree.
Lily: It's a nightmare.
Mitchell: Well, someone's picked up her daddy's gift for hyperbole.
Cameron: They are literally chainsawing paradise to put up a parking lot.

Cameron: I blame myself. I've taken on too much.
Mitchell: What exactly have you taken on?
Cameron: Are you kidding me? Teaching music? This dresser handle project? My role in the musical?
Mitchell: Oh, that.
Cameron: You know what? I don't like your tone. The understudy's the most challenging role in any production. You have to be ready at a moment's notice to go on and face a disappointed audience who was there to see Kenny van Heffington.
Mitchell: Our insurance guy?
Cameron: He's breathtaking.
Mitchell: Really?
Cameron: Yeah, I hate him. Anyway, what was I talking about?
Mitchell: Putting new handles on the dresser.
Cameron: Right. The tree. I have to do something.

Manny: I'll put on my sporty shoes. Where are they?
Gloria: They're still in the box. And don't forget to take out the paper before you put them on, okay?
Jay: And they're called sneakers.

Bill: Phil in the blank!
Phil: Bill of rights! Jerry-atric! Alan's dad!

Mitchell: Cam, what are you doing up there?
Cameron: I came down to say goodbye to the tree, give it one final hug, and before I knew it, I was up here.
Mitchell: When you say "one final hug"-
Cameron: If I'm occupying the tree, they can't cut it down. I googled it. It's a thing.
Mitchell: Okay, Lily, see, this is a nightmare.
Lily: Tell me about it.

Gloria: Where did you go?
Claire: To get a sweatshirt. We've been standing in the frozen food aisle for half an hour.
Gloria: I need something frozen.
Claire: Right. What?
Gloria: I don't know. I just wrote the word "frozen."
Claire: Okay. Uh, let's think. Peas. Ice cream. Pizza. Waffles.
Gloria: Wait a minute. It says "dozen." I need the eggs!