Haley: Do we really have to wear these ugly sweaters?
Claire: It's just until Grandma can see them.
Luke: My neck hole is too small.
Alex: Mine's itchy.
Luke: You know what? I'd rather be itchy than chokey.

Phil: [on video chat] Where's Mom?
Frank Dunphy: Mom is sinking fast.
Phil: Uh-oh.
Frank Dunphy: She's in the bathtub. Get it?
Phil: They have that claw-foot.

Claire: What is that? That looks like a cigarette burn. Was one of you smoking a cigarette? What?
Kids: No.
Claire: Which one of you was smoking?
Phil: Not me. I have a respiratory problem.
Claire: Obviously it wasn't you. Now I've got a family of liars and smokers.
Frank Dunphy: [on video chat] Honey, come here. You gotta see this.
Claire: Did you shoplift your Christmas presents too? Haley, keep that ugly sweater on.
Phil: Anyway, merry Christmas!

Mitchell: Are you kidding me with this line? I'm gonna ask Santa for the last 45 minutes of my life back.
Cameron: Oh, would you cheer up? We're in Santa's Village with our daughter. Where were we a year ago?
Mitchell: We were at the beginning of this line.
Cameron: You know what? Somebody needs to get in the holiday-
Carolers: God rest ye merry gentlemen-
Cameron: Son of a bitch.
Mitchell: Maybe it's not them.
Cameron: Oh, it's them.

Mitchell: What happened to the other Santa? Listen, we've been waiting in this line for a really long time, and we just want a Santa that actually looks like Santa.
Cameron: Mitchell, it's okay.
Mitchell: No, no, no. Cam, it's not okay. This is Lily's first Christmas. I want to make sure everything is perfect. And we're gonna wait for the fat Santa. All right?
Elf: I knew this would happen. I-I don't even know why we hired this guy.
Mitchell: See? Even his elves agree with me. Thank you.
Cameron: I didn't know Christmas made you so petty.
Carolers: We wish you a merry Christmas- We wish you a merry Christmas-
Cameron: [coughing] Lackluster!
Carolers: We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Year Good tidings we bring
Cameron: I hate you!

Phil: Good-bye, Dunphy Christmas. Haley, I guess you're not getting that car.
Haley: I was getting a car?
Phil: Nope. I was lying, because that's what we do now. Dunphys are liars. [drags Christmas tree away]

Cameron: When I was in charge, it was all about the music. I mean, what's with them tossing out candy canes after every carol? It's pandering.
Mitchell: I think you made that clear when you tossed them back.

Cameron: How am I supposed to get all this in the car?
Scott: Let me give you a hand with that.
Cameron: Uh, thanks. Thanks. Thanks, Santa.
Scott: You can't call me that anymore. Just got canned.
Mitchell: Oh- Really?
Scott: Guess a couple people complained I wasn't fat enough.
Cameron: Well, that's terrible.
Scott: That's what I get for trying not to have a second heart attack. There you go. Always a way to make room. Take it from someone who lives in his car.

Cameron: Do you really live in your car?
Scott: Yeah. It's not so bad. It's pretty roomy since the wife moved out.
Cameron: Why don't you come over to our place for dinner tonight?
Scott: Seriously?
Cameron: Yeah. It's Christmas Eve. Y-You can't spend it in your car.
Scott: Wow, that's really nice of you guys. Listen, can I bring anything? Ketchup, soy sauce, straws?
Cameron: We're good.
Mitchell: So, uh, why don't you follow us to our house?
Scott: Okay.
Cameron: In your house.

Gloria: Why can't we mix a couple of Colombian traditions in?
Jay: Like what?
Manny: Like fireworks.
Jay: Come on. You don't have fireworks in Colombia. You're trying to make me the inocente again.