Gloria: Look, every country has their own traditions. In our culture, for example, the baby Jesus is the one that brings the gifts, not the Santa Claus.
Jay: But that doesn't make sense.
Gloria: How could a newborn baby carry all those presents? They don't even know where their hands are.
Manny: At least a baby can fit through a chimney.
Jay: How would you sit on the baby Jesus' lap? You'd squish it.

Claire: We're gonna pass into legend. The parents who canceled Christmas.
Phil: I thought you'd be happy.
Claire: They'II write songs about us, make one of those Christmas specials with those ugly little clay people.

Phil: Don't worry. We're going to have Christmas. We've raised our kids right. Whoever did it will come forward. Or the other two will rat 'em out.

Mitchell: That seems a little high, doesn't it?
Cameron: Yes. I'm not putting Lily in that. It's like something astronauts train in.

Jay: These are your Christmas Eve gifts. You know the drill. You open those up before bedtime. They're pajamas.
Mitchell: Still keeping traditions alive, huh?
Jay: Well, someone has to. I got two Colombians at home trying to turn Christmas into Cinco de Mayo.
Mitchell: You know that's Mexican, right?
Jay: Ah, burrito, "bur-right-o." Christmas should be Christmas. Picture on the stairs, hot chocolate, opening the presents. That was supposed to be the good thing about having a kid in the house again. I can have Christmas the way we used to.

Cameron: I hear you, Jay. If I was home right now, I'd be mixin' up a bathtub full of eggnog and trying to squeeze a greased hog into a Santa hat. You don't think I miss that?
Jay: Do you?
Cameron: The point is that those are memories that I'll always have, but now I have the perfect opportunity to create new memories with my new family that are gonna be just as special someday.

Gloria: Ay, Manny! Did you put this spider in the fridge?
Manny: Oh, yeah. Inocente.
Gloria: Ay, papi, what's wrong?
Manny: I want to have Christmas like they do in Colombia. Jay is messing everything up.
Gloria: Manny, try to understand. Jay has great memories with his kids when they were young. And he just wants to recreate them with you.
Manny: So, maybe the best gift I could give Jay would be Christmas like he used to have it?
Gloria: Ay, you're such a beautiful boy! One day you're gonna grow up, and I'm gonna miss all the things that you used to do as a little boy.
Manny: Okay. But if this so-called Santa Claus doesn't bring me a burgundy dinner jacket, we're going to have a big problem.

Cameron: Scott, merry Christmas to you. We wish you a merry Christmas and happy- Son of a bitch.
Scott: What?
Mitchell: Oh. It's the New Greensleevers. They're Cameron's old caroling group. They kicked him out this year.
Cameron: I mean, it is one thing to kick me out of the group, but to rub my nose in it! I'm turning on the sprinklers.
Scott: Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I know it feels good to get even. Believe me. [chuckles] To see the fear in a man's eyes is... But there's something that feels even better. Forgiveness.
Cameron: Scott, you don't understand. This- This group was my Dreamgirls. I was Effie.
Scott: You know what the best thing I did all day was? Forgiving you for getting me fired.

Jay: What's this?
Manny: Bunuelos.
Jay: Who? What?
Gloria: Cheese fritters. It's a Colombian traditional Christmas food.
Jay: Okay, new rule: From now on we do Colombian things when we're in Colombia. We do American things when we're in America. That means no more of your food, no more of your music and especially no more of your crazy holidays! [storms off] Inocente!
Gloria: Ay, Jay!
Jay: What? Did I say it wrong? You two are total inocentes! You should see the look on your faces. And by the way, you know how hard it is to get fireworks on Christmas Eve?
Gloria: [laughs] Go, Manny. Thank you.

Phil: All righty. Here's another one for Luke. Looks like a book.
Luke: I have a book already.
Claire: What is that? Oh, my God. The couch is smoking. Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Phil: Whoa. It's sunlight.
Haley: It's the ornament.
Luke: Cool. It's like a magnifying glass.
Haley: Hey, how weird is that? It's burning a hole in the exact same spot that Alex was smoking in.
Claire: Oh, Haley.