Claire: What is that? That looks like a cigarette burn. Was one of you smoking a cigarette? What?
Kids: No.
Claire: Which one of you was smoking?
Phil: Not me. I have a respiratory problem.
Claire: Obviously it wasn't you. Now I've got a family of liars and smokers.
Frank Dunphy: [on video chat] Honey, come here. You gotta see this.
Claire: Did you shoplift your Christmas presents too? Haley, keep that ugly sweater on.
Phil: Anyway, merry Christmas!