Gloria: Ay. What happened? Did he fall?
Jay: How could he fall? You can't send him to school on a bike with training wheels. They'll make fun of him. Didn't you teach him how to ride a bike?
Gloria: How could I? I don't know how to ride a bike.
Jay: Two-thirds of my house can't do what a billion Chinese do.

Jay: Honey, look. English is your second language. You're doin' great.
Gloria: Yeah, you're not helping by protecting my feelings. I want you to be honest with me.
Jay: Okay, well, I may have noticed some tiny little mistakes you might want to take a look at.
Gloria: Like what?
Jay: Just little mispronunciations. Like, for example, last night you said we live in a "doggy-dog" world.
Gloria: So?
Jay: It's "dog-eat-dog" world.
Gloria: Yeah, but that doesn't make any sense. Who wants to live in a world where dogs eat each other? Doggy-dog world is a beautiful world full of little puppies.

Cameron: [aside to camera] Mitchell has a problem with public displays of affection. I remember once at a New Year's Eve Party, stroke of midnight he high-fived me. Two problems with that: One, gays don't high-five. Two, gays don't high-five.

Manny: What's wrong?
Gloria: No, nothing.
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: Okay, sue me. I am a Colombian mother. I'm not gonna let him make a mistake that is gonna affect him for the rest of my life. His life.

Phil: [aside to camera] Father-in-laws are tough, because you can't let 'em push you around and you also have to show them respect. It's like walking a tightrope. Which, by the way, I can do, because I went to trapeze school. Did Jay? I doubt it.

Whitney: This is so humiliating. I am sorry.
Gloria: It's okay.
Whitney: He just seemed so mature online. How could I be so stupid?
Manny: You're not stupid. "Stupid" is not following your heart and taking a chance on love.
Whitney: I mean, what kind of 11 -year-old talks like that? [crying]
Gloria: Manny's an old soul.
Manny: [to Whitney] Here. Use my handkerchief.

Gloria: [aside to camera] I think it's adorable that Manny has a date. He even picked out the lunch menu: grilled-cheese sandwich and tomato soup. Tomato soup because, you know, the tomato soup is like the blood. And the vampires like to eat the blood. [chuckles] And then he wants me to take them out for ice cream, well, because Manny likes ice cream.

Phil: There's our little roustabouts! You look like you patched things up pretty good, huh? We can learn so much from the children. I bet it seems kind of silly now what you were fighting about.
Luke: I made fun of his accent.
Gloria: [heavily accented] What accent?
Manny: I made fun of him for having the same thing for lunch every day.
Luke: I made fun of him because his mom used to dig coal.
Gloria: What?
Manny: He said you were a coal digger.
Phil: Okay, I think we can move on!

Claire: Alex and I can't just disagree. I mean, she has to turn everything into a fight.
Manny: Hmm, a strong, independent woman. Sounds like somebody else I know.
Claire: I was never hostile, thou. This- This whole thing with the dress- Never had this problem with Haley.
Manny: Maybe Alex doesn't want to compete with her big sister. Maybe she's trying to create her own identity. Put her in a dress and she disappears.
Claire: For one afternoon.
Manny: I wouldn't give up being myself for even one second.
Claire: Wow. Sometimes it's hard to remember you're only 10 years old.
Manny: [with a milk mustache] And three-quarters.

Phil: [aside to camera] The thing about me and Jay is that our relationship's always been stuck In that primal place where it started. You know, he's the old silverback protecting his females. Then along comes this younger, stronger gorilla, swinging in, beating his chest, you know. Naturally, the ape ladies come running, presenting their nice scarlet behinds. Papa ape wants to stop all that, but he can't, you know. That's- That's life. I'm not the enemy. The enemy is poachers.