[aside to camera:]
Jay: 18 months ago, in an underreported news event, NagaSnacki Food Solutions discontinued the greatest candy bar of all time. The Fudgy Duddy. After an exhaustive search...
Gloria: One Googling.
Jay: ...I tracked down this beauty. Now my son can experience the kind of quality confection our generation grew up with.
Gloria: "Our"? I am a Gen X. Don't make me a Boomer.

Manny: Perhaps this candy bar represents your lost innocence?
Jay: It represents delicious chocolate. You're sure you gave this to a Spider-Man?
Manny: I'm sure. You know, it's also hard to ignore that this object you seek has a phallic shape...
Jay: Why did I talk you out of that mime major?

Alex: I know it makes me seem shallow, but he had such a crazy body! How am I supposed to go back to nerd butts?

Manny: Hey, that's Mom! Mom!
Gloria: Manny! How many times have I told you not to shout "Mom" when you're dressed like an old man?
Manny: Including now? Once.

Cameron: Wait, this is a delicate moment. We could scar her if we don't handle it right.
Mitchell: Ohhh! God, I know that's true. My first kiss was terrible. My mom walked in on me with this girl. I can still hear my mom scream to my dad, "I told you he wasn't!"
Cameron: Well, mine was worse.
Mitchell: It's not a competition.
Cameron: My dad found me in a barn open-mouth kissing a tackling dummy.
Mitchell: And you win.

Lily: Look, I thought this boy really liked me, but he was just using me to get to my friend Kelly.
Mitchell: Kelly? Ew, she's gross!
Lily: No, she isn't. She's my friend.
Cameron: She's not you. And anyone who would pick her over...
Lily: Of course you'd say that. You're my dad. I'm sorry, there's nothing that you could say that would help. Okay? You're not a girl, you're not 12. What would you know about liking a boy who doesn't like you back?
Mitchell: Oh, honey...
Cameron: I'm gonna get us some ice cream.

Claire: I was having so much fun!
Phil: What?
Claire: I was wondering what we were gonna do for the next 30 years of our lives without the kids in the house. And now I know... You're getting twisted, and I like it. Game on.
Phil: Unh-unh. Unh-unh.
Claire: Mm-hmm.
Phil: "Game on"? What do you mean "game on"? It's... It's game over.
Claire: Nope. [turns lights off] Watch your back, buddy. This is gonna be so much fun.
Phil: Can't we just travel?

Phil: Fine! She's creepy! She sits in that window like a store cat.

Alex: I'll drop it off on the way to dinner with Bill. He's taking me to Buon Cibo's at 6:00.
Luke: Whoa. I'm going to Buon Cibo's at 6:00 with Janice.
Alex: Ew! I don't want to watch you run your discount body-spray game on her. Change your reservation to later.
Luke: I can't. She has to eat four hours before bed because of the reflux. You change.

Phil: You think you can't be scared anymore? That's the most terrifying movie I've ever seen.
Claire: Great, bring it. I look forward to being scared.
Alex: I'm pregnant?
Phil: [gasps] Phil!