Jay: What about her? Is that a Martha Stewart?
Manny: I-I think that's Princess Di. Jay, you have to prepare yourself. We may not find your candy bar. We've stopped four Martha Stewarts, two Dog the Bounty Hunters, and the real Judith Light. How nice was she, by the way?
Jay: Yeah, class act. Keep looking.

Manny: What is it about this candy?
Jay: It just tasted like summer or something, I don't know. But out with the old, in with the new. Candy bars come and go. No more record stores. 6-year-old sons too grown up to go trick-or-treating with their dads. No more beepers.
Manny: Are you that bummed that Joe didn't want to spend Halloween with you?
Jay: No! It's just the beginning of the whole thing, you know? When you... When you break that seal...
Manny: Look, I know Joe wanted to be with his friends tonight, but he'll definitely want to spend another Halloween with his dad.
Jay: How do you know that?
Manny: Kids have a way of coming back. Even if they have to... make up a dumb reason to do it.
Jay: Happy Halloween, kid.

Cameron: Sweetie, is... is everything okay?
Lily: [voice breaking] It's nothing. Go away.
Mitchell: Honey, did... did a boy pressure you to do something you didn't want to do?
Lily: Ew! Gross! No.
Cameron: D-Did a girl pressure you into doing something...
Lily: Oh, my God! Can you adopt a second child to take some of this off of me?!

Claire: Honey, you can't be mad that I wasn't scared by that movie. It was a baby.
Phil: It had three rows of teeth!
Claire: Baby teeth!

Jay: Excuse me. Excuse me. Hey! That's my wife!
Drag Queen: Oh, sure, sweetheart. Like you could get that.
Gloria: No, no, no! That is my husband!
Manny: [to Jay] Does she know that...
Jay: No, and we're never gonna tell her.