[aside to camera:]
Cameron: We are so excited for Halloween. You know, for the first time in years, we're gonna get a little cray and go to the big gay Halloween carnival, like we used to when we were young and childless...
Mitchell: And people still said "cray."

[aside to camera:]
Gloria: Something horrible happened to me last weekend.
[flashback:]
Gloria: I'll just have the... seafood salad.
Waiter: Very good. And for your husband?
Gloria: [laughs] Oh, no, no. He's my husband.
Jay: That's what he said.
[back:]
Gloria: The day I have dreaded finally came... People assume that I am Jay's... [whispering] wife.

Jay: Manny. What are you doing?
Manny: Saving your house from being egged. You're all out of treats. Luckily I found a candy bar to give away.
Jay: Oh, no. My Fudgy Duddy's gone! Nobody move!

Clerk: But we still have seats for that super scary Japanese film.
Claire: Yes!
Phil: Uh, pause. How scary? How Japanese?
Clerk: I think the literal translation is "Make Dead with Old-Face Baby."
Claire: Two, please.

Gloria: Who is this cute boy next to her?
Cameron: Can you turn it ar... Okay, that's Garth. I... I've never trusted him. I saw him buying deodorant when he was 9.

Boyscout Costume: Excuse me, ma'am. Are you lost?
Gloria: I can't find my friends.
Boyscout Costume: Let me help you.
Gloria: Oh, what a nice young man. [notices his costume] Get off me!

Luke: I hope this doesn't sound too mushy, but... I really love hooking up with you.
Janice: Well, I hate to think I'm pulling you away from some Halloween fun. You know, partying with your more... youthful friends.
Luke: [chuckling] Hush, silly Janice. If I was interested in youthful things, would I be here with you?

Bill: "Send more boobs"?
Alex: I'm not mad, but I don't want to make it a habit of sending... nudes.
Bill: Wait. You actually sent boob pics?
Alex: Yeah. How much smoke did you inhale?
Bill: This isn't my number, Alex.
Alex: It's the one you called from.
Bill: Because my phone died. So I borrowed Creepy Craig's. Wait. You sent Creepy Craig a naked photo? Alex! Oh, my God! There's, like, 11?!
Alex: Well, you... He kept asking!
Bill: You think I'm as pervy as Creepy Craig?
Alex: I don't know Creepy Craig!
Bill: Well, he knows you! You really think I would disrespect you like that? What else did "I" ask for?
Alex: Oh, don't.
Bill: Oh, my God. Are you outside? You know, I've always worried that maybe we were just too different, but the fact that you think I'm capable of writing "Do butt now... Hit with magazine"? You know what? This isn't working, Alex.
Alex: No, wait! Can you at least ask Craig to delete those?
Bill: I think you know how to reach him!

Luke: Trust me, I've had enough Halloween mischief for one lifetime. I'm ready for this now.
Janice: You are such a mature person. I can't even imagine you as a wild child.
Luke: Oh, yeah. Five years ago, we hit this one house. The family was always calling the cops on us for lighting off fireworks. Standard stuff, TP, sugar in the gas tank... but then I noticed they had like 20 of those stupid garden gnomes.
Janice: Oh, my God.
Luke: I know, so douchey. So we posed them having sex, rang the doorbell, and then when they opened the door, we blew them up. [laughs] Are you not getting it? It's kind of subtle, so...
Janice: That was my house.
Luke: But... you live in a condo.
Janice: Now. Years ago, my husband's father died and left us his antique gnome collection. Marty wanted to keep them in the house. They soothed him, he said. 'Cause the constant fireworks were always triggering his PTSD. So, I insisted he put his sole inheritance outside, where you blew them up.
Luke: Life's funny.
Janice: [faint laughing] Yeah. Yeah, the next day, I was supposed to meet him at couples therapy. But I didn't make it 'cause my car died. Sugar in the tank. So I missed the appointment. He went for a coffee, fell in love with the barista, and now I am living in a condo, dating a friggin' child! [gets up]
Luke: Janice. This may be a bad time to mention it, but... I don't have enough money for the valet. [Janice takes the bottle of wine from the table]

Cameron: Lily is still not answering. Did you track her location?
Mitchell: Uh, yeah. It says that she's at our house? Do you think she took that boy home?
Cameron: Of course she did! An empty house, all those Anita Baker records. It's the sexiest place in town. We have to get home!