Manny: Hey, Jay, is that Venus? 'Cause I can smell the clouds of pure sulfuric acid from here. Slam!

Jay: The trouble is your clothes. Just take them off. I think there's a blanket in the trunk.
Mitchell: You sure, Dad? You're not worried I might stink up the blanket?
Jay: Don't worry about it. We just use it to cover up the seat for when Manny's all sweaty after his tango class.
Manny: If you don't sweat, you're not doing it right.

Alex: Listen to these symptoms of A.D.H.D. And tell me it's not Luke.
Claire: Alex!
[over montage of Phil in the garage looking for a screwdriver before being distracted]
Alex: "Easily distracted by irrelevant stimuli." "Often impulsively abandons one task for another." "A tendency to act without regard to consequences, often at the expense of personal safety." "Having accidents more often"-
Claire: Okay, you know what, I think that's enough, Alex. We've got it.

Jay: You know, you don't look that ridiculous. Now, you actually got the legs for it.
Mitchell: Dad.
Jay: No, I'm just saying, if you were that type of a gay-
Mitchell: Dad!
Jay: You'd probably do all right for yourself.

Gloria: You know, this part of town might be very rough, but the people here, Cameron- the best.
Cameron: I'm pretty sure I had wheels when I parked here.
Gloria: Ayayay! Who did this?
Cameron: No, it's okay, Gloria.
Gloria: Who did this? You coward son of bitches!
Cameron: It's okay, everybody! I'm- I'm insured!
Gloria: What? What? You scared? You scared to show your face, little girl?
Cameron: No, it's all right, everybody!
Gloria: Cameron, wait in the car!
Cameron: Gloria, I think it's drivable.

Claire: Do we still have the number for Poison Control?
Phil: I love you, Claire. I'll always love you!
Luke: My mouth is asleep, like at the dentist.
Phil: Get over here, buddy.

Phil: [aside to camera] What's my favorite way to relax? Throw on my wireless headphones and disappear into the Nature Channel. The fascinating thing about nature is how, in the blink of an eye, it can go from a scene of total tranquil beauty to raw, primal violence.

Haley: Mom, why are you freaking out on everyone?
Claire: Because you are acting very irresponsibly- all of you. Listen, honey. Luke has a giant project due tomorrow for school that he hasn't even started, and Haley just informed me she needs 40 cupcakes for her school fund-raiser, also due tomorrow.
Alex: I'd like to point out I completed all my assignments on my own and on time.
Phil & Claire: Not now, Alex.

Cameron: Is this the cutest thing I've ever seen? You out here on the curb with your little telescope, waiting for your dad.
Mitchell: It's not cute. It's-lt's science.

Cameron: Oh, here comes your shower partner.
Mitchell: Stop it. I'm kidding.
Cameron: Have fun with your dad, okay?
Mitchell: All right. See you later.
Cameron: Don't worry about me.
Mitchell: I'm not.
Cameron: I'm just saying, if you were.