Mitchell: Cam, y-you got her a car?
Cameron: I can't help it that you skimped on your wedding.
Mitchell: Okay, look, I-I know what's underneath all this, all right? Right now in your life, you're feeling, you know, very...
Mitchell: No. Please do not turn me marrying my daughter into something ugly.

Claire: I need to keep my eyes on Phil.
Mitchell: Ooh, what's happening?
Claire: He's about to drop the hammer on Haley's new boyfriend. He's twice her age, and it's disgusting.
Mitchell: Yeah, reminds me of a certain manager at the Cheesecake Factory that you dated.
Claire: Oh. Todd. Mm. He had a Camaro and power.
Mitchell: Ugh! He was nasty. You just did it to get a rise out of dad.
Claire: Yeah, well, look how well that worked out. It didn't bother dad at all, and then I was stuck with a guy who smelled like potato skins and said "supposably."

Gloria: Okay, Manny is going to be here soon, so let's go over the plan. When we hear him coming, we turn off the light. Then when he comes in and turns it on, we all scream "Surprise!"
Alex: You got a pen? I wanna write this down.

Gloria: Manny? Manny, please come out.
Manny: [o.s.] Unless you're here to cut a food slot on my door, you can leave now.
Gloria: Nobody's going to make fun of you.
Manny: Kids make fun of you if you get a haircut. I just gave them a full-blown sex scandal.
Gloria: No, everybody's so excited to celebrate with you. Ay, no.
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: The baby was ready, but I was not. It was bad enough that Manny had to share his mother. I couldn't let him share a birthday, too.
[back:]
Gloria: You stay in there!
Manny: [o.s.] I thought you wanted me to come out.

Cameron: Every day at 2:30, I call Lily, and we dunk a cookie together. And yesterday I forgot. Forgot my own daughter. And obviously, she resents me for it. It's why she asked you to marry her, to get back at me.
Mitchell: Okay, here I- I need to point out that she's 5 and not a character from "Dynasty."
Cameron: And as much as I try to connect with her, I just keep making it worse.
Mitchell: Maybe you're just trying too hard.

Jay: We're gonna pop on over to the hospital. Pizza's on the way. You think about it, run a mop over this area?

Manny: Mom, look. Yeah, I've felt a little neglected lately, but I've had you to myself for 14 years.
Gloria: That makes me a little sad.
Jay: Oh, please. If we had actually forgotten his birthday, he'd be out right now kissing a cute brunette. Things work out.
Gloria: You know that I love you no matter what?
Manny: You're trying to hold another person inside of you to spare my feelings. Message received.

[Jay's high-pitched scream]
Kenny: Ah, she's gettin' close. She's at, like, eight beautiful centimeters. [to Alex] Hey. I don't think we've met. I'm Kenny.
Alex: Hi. I'm disgusted.

Cameron: Mitchell. When she fell in the pool, she screamed for daddy. She calls you "dad." She calls me "daddy." She got scared, and she called out for me.
Mitchell: See?
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: I guess daddy was worrying about nothing. But, you know, I can be silly sometimes.
Lily: You're always silly. [playfully pushing Cameron]
Cameron: No, you're silly. [pushes her back]
Lily: No, you're always silly. [pushes him back]
Cameron: No, you're always silly. [pushes Lily off the chair] Oh, my God. What's wrong with me?

Phil: He's adorable!
Luke: Is he?
Lily: I don't like this one bit.
Luke: We'll talk.