Gloria: This is my favorite day in America.
Jay: Happy Valentine's Day, gorgeous.

Cameron: Notice anything different?
Mitchell: Oh, that is cute.
Cameron: Cute? We spent a lot of time on this.
Mitchell: [chuckles] I don't see how. You just cut up one of your boas.
Cameron: Uh- Actually, no. We repurposed it. It was sort of a Bob Mackie meets Martha Stewart project.

Mitchell: I'm really nervous about my closing argument.
Cameron: Oh, you've been rehearsing for weeks. You're gonna be great.
Mitchell: Let's hope so.
Cameron: Hey, and I was wondering... Since you're gonna be in court all day-
Mitchell: You can open the chocolates.
Cameron: Score.

Dylan: Hey. Take this sweet gift as a token of my affection, my unending love and admiration-
Haley: Oh, my God. Yay, it's big! [gasps] Oh, my God. I love it. It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
Dylan: Seriously, you gotta put a black light on it. It'll blow your mind.
Claire: Wow! Dylan, I didn't know you could paint.
Dylan: Oh, I didn't. I just took a photo and I put it through this program that turns it into a painting.
Claire: Oh. Oh. So you two actually did that.
Haley: Uh-huh. Yeah. Okay. Let's go put this over my bed.
Claire: Not- No, no. Mm-mmm. You don't need to be in the bedroom at all. I'll take it.

Claire: Phil, what is that?
Phil: You know, we don't have to go to Fratelli's tonight.
Claire: Okay, what do you have in mind?
Phil: Well, I thought you might enjoy a night at a hotel.
Claire: I would, but would you and the kids be okay?
Phil: I meant together.
Claire: Yes, I know. I know. I know. I got it.

Cameron: Um, that's Manny. I said we would watch him tonight. I hope you don't mind.
Mitchell: I didn't know you were gonna be going through all this. No, it's fine. It might be nice to have him around. He always make me laugh.
Cameron: Hi, Manny.
Manny: [entering] The universe is cold and loveless.

David Brenner: Scientists- They don't know why this is true, but it's true. Women with big rear ends live longer. Man who tell 'em that don't. Did you read about this man, a 91 -year old bank robber in Texas? He goes into a bank- "The hell did I want?" They had over 4,000 photos of him escaping from the bank.
Jay: See? He's funny, huh?

Cameron: Hey, buddy. How'd it go?
Manny: I can't do it, not while Durkas is there. He has the natural confidence. I admire it and fear it.

David Brenner: In Oregon, the state legislature ratified a, uh, bill that from now on it is a crime to have sex in Oregon with a farm animal. How ugly are the women in Oregon?
Gloria: He's funny, Jay.
Jay: I know. See?
David Brenner: I can tell you're not- You're not from Oregon.
Gloria: No.
David Brenner: You are gorgeous.
Gloria: Thank you.
David Brenner: Thank you for bringing your father to the show.
Jay: Oh, no. I'm her husband, Dave.
David Brenner: No kidding.
Jay: Yeah.
David Brenner: What's it like to be married to someone who was there when the Bible was written? What was it called then? Just "The Testament"?
Jay: That's, uh- That's- That's good stuff. [claps]
David Brenner: Oh, now he's trying to turn out the light.

David Brenner: And you don't have to worry about him cheating. That's for sure. Because if he does, you'll catch him when he comes home with two sets of teeth in his mouth.
Jay: Yeah.
David Brenner: So tell me, on the wedding night, what- What did he do? Did he say he wanted to change into something comfortable and go into a coma?
Jay: Listen, I gotta use the men's room. Nuh-uh. I gotta use the men's room. I'll be right back.
David Brenner: Where you going? Wait a minute. I'm only joking. That's what I do. You know, you're way younger than I am. You just don't look it.