Mitchell: This is so frustrating. I had one of the greatest closing arguments of all time- all about the big government rolling over the little guy, and I even had this great moment at the end where I would point to the state seal and I'd say, "Shame!"
Cameron: Oh, that's what you were doing in the shower. I was a little worried.

Cameron: Bad Valentine's Day?
Manny: I went for the gold- Fiona Gunderson. I poured my heart and soul into a poem, left it on her desk. I even burned the edges to make it look fancy.
Cameron: And she didn't like it?
Manny: Oh, she loved it. But this kid Durkas told her he wrote it.
Mitchell: Well, Manny, why-why didn't you just tell her the truth?
Manny: She was already gone. And she's on a date with him at my favorite restaurant, Great Shakes.
Cameron: How do you know all this?
Manny: I invited her in the poem. Right after the line of, "My love is deeper than the Great Lakes."

Cameron: Okay, well, this is unacceptable.
Mitchell: Oh, boy. Here we go.
Cameron: No, it's not that big of a deal. This is what we're gonna do. We're gonna shoot over to Great Shakes, get a table. Manny can reclaim the love of his life. You and I can get a couple Mudslides.
Manny: I don't know. Durkas is gonna be there. I've seen the kid do a pull-up.
Cameron: Hey, Manny, it's Valentine's Day. It's not the day you run away from love. It's the day you track it down, tie it up and take it home. Now, if we can pull this off, you and your little lady friend will be belly up to a ice cream counter having a milk shake with two straws. What do you say?
Manny: I like it.

Cameron: Do you have eyes on her? Is she here?
Manny: Two o'clock- blonde at the back table.
Cameron: Yep. I have a visual.
Mitchell: Let's not talk like that anymore.

Ted Durkas: [answering phone] Hello?
Cameron: [Southern accent] Uh, yes. Hello. Mr. Durkas?
Ted Durkas: Yeah.
Cameron: This is Don Jolly with the Great Shakes corporate office, and I have good news for you. You have been selected to take part in a random survey that you could win cash and prizes. Does that sound like something you'd be interested in?
Ted Durkas: Yeah, sure.
Cameron: Okay, just a few simple questions for you. Would you please rank your favorite ice creams at Great Shakes from least favorite to favorite?
Ted Durkas: I don't know 'em by heart.
Cameron: There should be a menu right there to your right. To your right. Mm-hmm. There you go.

Mitchell: Sir, you have no right to claim ownership of another person's work.
Ted Durkas: Who are you?
Mitchell: I'm a lawyer.
Ted Durkas: You have a lawyer?
Mitchell: It is one thing to lie, but then to bully this young man- it's unforgivable. And this is what's wrong with the world today. The big guy thinks that he can roll right over the little guy until the little guy says, "Enough." And that's what this little guy's doing- right here, right now.
Manny: Can we stop calling me "little guy"? I'm in the 40th percentile.
Mitchell: Shh. I got this. Ted Durkas clearly did not write that poem. I know it. He knows it. Deep down in your heart, Fiona- [exhales] You know it too. ... Shame!

Gloria: It's okay. I got this. Okay. Claire, follow my lead, okay? Okay.
Claire: Wow. Okay. Thank you.
Gloria: It has happened to me before.
Phil: That was impressive.
Jay: Take it down a notch, Clive.

Claire: [answering phone] Hey, honey.
Phil: Hey, I just wanted to tell you how great you were last night.
Claire: Uh, Phil-
Phil: Sorry I got the, uh- the oil everywhere, but, hey-
Claire: Uh, sweetie-
Phil: They're not our sheets, right?
Claire: Honey- Honey, remember when the salesman told us that the Sienna was built with the whole family in mind?
Phil: Yeah.
Claire: Well, the whole family just heard that. Uh- Uh- Guess-
Phil: I guess the Bluetooth works.
Claire: Mmm.
Luke: Why did you have oil?
Phil: Because, buddy, we were making French fries.
Alex: In your room?
Claire: Why don't you guys just pop in a DVD?

Claire: So, Fratelli's tonight?
Phil: Hello, cannoli canoe.

Jay: I like it. Nice fit. Swanky material.
Gloria: Jay, you look so strong and sexy. Like an Olympic wrestler, but with money.