Gloria: Ah, Jay, papi, don't pay attention to what he's saying. He's just being funny.
Jay: Because he points out the truth. Those people were laughing because they saw it too.
Gloria: What do you care what they think?
Jay: I don't. I care what you think.
Gloria: I love you. You're my valentine.
Jay: Yeah, for now. But what about when I'm 80 and I'm in a wheelchair, on oxygen? You still gonna want me?
Gloria: Do you think I'm so shallow that I'm gonna leave you when you're old? What if I gain a hundred pounds? You gonna leave me then?
Jay: ... No.
Gloria: What's with the pause?
Jay: Well, it's not exactly fair. I mean, I have to get old. You don't have to get fat.

Gloria: If I want to get fat, I get fat.
Jay: Well, okay, fine. And if you do, I'll be there. You'll see.
Gloria: Yeah, watch me. Watch me, how I get fat. I can get fat.
Jay: And I'll be there.
Gloria: Good. You wanna go back in?
Jay: No. I got a better idea. Let's go salsa dancing. This guy's not that funny.
Gloria: [gasps] Perfect.

Phil: We're good! We're good! I talked to Maintenance. They're- They're- They're coming, so go on ahead. See you guys. See you later. See you in school. Good to see you guys. Maintenance is gonna take care of it. So we're fine.
Claire: Okay. Okay, how long till they get here?
Phil: I was faking it. No one's coming for us.
Claire: Well, then, go and get them! Hurry! That was the most embarrassing moment of my life.
Jay: Claire! Phil!
Claire: Stand by.

Jay: What, did you get your belt stuck?
Claire: I did. Yeah.
Jay: Well, take your coat off. Here, let me help you.
Claire: No, no, Dad. Dad, I'm fine.
Jay: Come on! What are you, naked under there? [off Claire's look] Aw, geez.