Mitchell: Oh, Barb, you know what? I strained myself so bad today.
Barb Tucker: Oh. - Well, what's hurtin' on you?
Mitchell: It's this area between my lower back and upper thigh.
Barb Tucker: Sounds like your fanny.
Mitchell: It's my fanny. It's really knotted up.
Barb Tucker: Well, you need someone to work on that.
Mitchell: Oh, I would love that. It's really seized up. Just put your fingers all over my my fanny. Your magic fingers. Barb.

Cameron: Okay, I am not gonna cry, but I wanna know why, Mitchell why you are presenting to my mother like a baboon.
Mitchell: I wanted you to see her fondling me.
Cameron: So you do want me to cry.
Mitchell: No, no, Cam. She's always touching me inappropriately, and you never seem to notice.
Cameron: Show me, Mitchell. Show me on Lily's doll where my mother is touching you.

Mitchell: Look, I know you don't want to hear this, but she's handsy and it makes me uncomfortable.
Cameron: Oh, my God. I know what this is. You're just not used to having a mother that shows affection.
Mitchell: Do not make this about my mother.
Cameron: I didn't. But it is normal for a mother to be physical and it is not strange for an occasional hug or a little pat on the fanny.
Mitchell: Okay, these aren't pats, Cam. No. She squeezes and lingers!
Cameron: Show me where she squeezes and lingers.
Mitchell: Cam, put the doll down. I don't know if this is just sexual or Crazytown but your mother cannot keep her hands off of me and it's creeping me out. No. Oh B-Barb. I'm sorry.
Cameron: Let me show you where you stabbed my mama.

Manny: I gotta tell you, this is looking more and more like diverticulitis.
Jay: Do they say how to treat it, like a heating pad or- Oh, there it is again!
Manny: Describe the pain.
Jay: It's like I'm being stabbed. But also like I ate a bad scallop that's stabbing me from the inside.
Manny: That's colorful, but there's no box for that.

Gloria: Jay, you wanna go to the mall with me?
Jay: No, actually, my stomach's a little funny today.
Gloria: Oh, I am so sorry, papi. Maybe we'd stop first at the crib store and you lay down and I buy you a little dress, hmm?
[aside to camera:]
Jay: Gloria thinks Americans are babies.
Gloria: Well, in Colombia we couldn't go run to the hospital for every little sniffle or dislocated shoulder.

Phil: Okay, but be gentle. Boys are surprisingly sensitive at that age.
Claire: Water polo girl story.
Phil: Yes, I'm gonna tell the water polo girl story! 'Cause it hurt! Mmm. Okay, so I'm working in the principal's office. She walks in, hair all silver from the chlorine tells me she wants her varsity jacket back. I tear up a little. Then I tear up a lot. I'm begging, I'm begging. At some point I realize I'm sitting on the button to the high school intercom system. Yuk it up, ladies. Wasn't funny then. Is not funny now. It was traumatic, Haley. Don't do Dylan like Linda "The Cannon" Concannon did me.

Haley: It's done. We broke up.
Phil: What?
Haley: I texted Dylan. It's over.
Phil: Bet that's him. Yep. Sad face emoticon! You can feel the hurt through the phone.

Claire: So, Haley, how long have I been paying this guy to make out with you?
Haley: Uh, about a week. First it was just to shut him up, but now I'm starting to like him.
Claire: If you really like him though, you have to break up with Dylan.
Phil: What? No!
Claire: Believe me. And it's best for everybody if you just do it quickly.
Phil: I can't believe we're having this conversation. He's like part of the family.

David: Haley's coming along really well, Ms. Dunphy.
Claire: Good! The key is to take a lot of little breaks so you don't get frustrated and want to quit.
Haley: Got it.
Claire: I was talking to David.

Barb Tucker: [talking through bathroom door] Mitchell, it's Barb.
Mitchell: Oh. Barb, I'm so sorry.
Barb Tucker: Well, no, h-honey, you hush. Look, I I've been thinking about what I heard and maybe I do touch you too much. And I could say it's 'cause we're family but, you know, I don't know. I guess I have been having some fun with you, and I I-I-I thought that it was harmless but I would never want to make you uncomfortable.
Mitchell: Barb, it's my fault too.
Barb Tucker: So we're okay?
Mitchell: Yes! Yes, of course.
Barb Tucker: Thank God. [entering bathroom, sitting on edge of tub where Mitchell is bathing] Because I couldn't live with myself if things stayed weird between us.
Mitchell: Uh, Cam! Cam!
Cameron: [o.s.] What is it?
Barb Tucker: Well, we got it all worked out, sweetie!
Cameron: [o.s.] Oh, great! Let me get my camera.
Mitchell: Okay, that's not necessary, h- No!