Barb Tucker: From now on, if I go too far. Please, you just tell me about it.
Mitchell: Okay.
Barb Tucker: What is th- Oh! Almost lost my bracelet. Oh, wait a minute!
Mitchell: And there it is. Okay.
Barb Tucker: Oh, dang it!
Mitchell: I'll get it.
Barb Tucker: Oh, no. I saw where it fell, honey.
Mitchell: Force field! Force field!
Cameron: What's going on?
Barb Tucker: I lost my bracelet in here.
Cameron: Mama! Listen, I think this might be one of those situations where Mitchell feels like you're crossing a boundary.
Barb Tucker: Really?
Cameron: Yeah.
Barb Tucker: This too?
Cameron: Yeah.
Barb Tucker: Well. I've gotta have a good, long think about how I conduct myself. I'm truly sorry, Mitchell.
Mitchell: It's okay. It's okay.
Barb Tucker: Well, let's take one quick picture. And we'll get out of his way.

Phil: Hey.
Haley: I miss him.
Phil: Yeah. He was your first real boyfriend.
Haley: I keep expecting him to show up. He used to come by at night and I'd sneak out to see him.
Phil: Yeah, I know.
Haley: You knew?
Phil: His car's 30 years old and doesn't have a muffler. And he honked.
Haley: I loved that car.
Phil: I rode in it to the guitar store. I felt like I was flying. I know it hurts now, sweetheart, but that's how you know it was a relationship worth having.
Haley: Thanks, Dad.

Haley: So, the rate of diffusion equals something times the square root of something I give up.
Alex: Aw, so close!
Haley: Shut up!
David: Don't worry. You'll get it. You know, a lot of famous scientists are women.
Haley: They're fat though, right?

Mitchell: [aside to camera] From the minute I met Barb she has been open and loving and caring. If I had one complaint, and I do, it's the inappropriate putting of her hands on my body. ... It's-it's been going on a long time.

Manny: Jay, what are your symptoms? Nausea? Bloating?
Gloria: Manny, what did I say about getting off that crazy doctor web site?
Manny: I'm just worried about Jay. Stomach pains can mean a lot of things: Intestinal blockage- Do you have a fever?
Gloria: Stop it!

Gloria: Manny, he's fine. Tell him you're fine.
Jay: I'm fine.
Gloria: Okay, good. Get in the car.
Jay: Uh, home fine, not mall fine.
Gloria: Jay, you know what happens when I shop angry.
Jay: I'll clear a space.

Manny: I'm not loving your color.
Jay: Go play.
Manny: Don't be a hero.

Phil: You know what? Maybe I'll call Dylan after he talks to Haley. He's gonna need someone to lean on.
Claire: That someone should not be his ex-girlfriend's father. Honey, when Dylan is out of her life, he should be out of ours.
Phil: You've always hated Dylan.
Claire: I have not always hated Dylan. I have always thought that Haley could do better. Plus, the new boyfriend is so smart.

Mitchell: Cam's mom spent half of dinner with her hands all over me. It was like she was blind and wanted to know what my thighs looked like.
Claire: Are you sure? I mean, are you really the best judge of this kind of thing? You've had boundary issues since you were a kid.
Mitchell: I have not!
Claire: Okay. Sorry. My mistake. Must be Cam's mom. Her issues.
Mitchell: What are you doing?
Claire: Nothing. Just getting a spoon.
Mitchell: Stop it.
Claire: Is it bothering you?
Mitchell: Yes, it is.
Claire: Hey, Mitchell.
Mitchell: Claire, stop it!
Claire: Mitchell, Mitchell, Mitchell.
Mitchell: Force field!
Claire: That never stops being fun.

Claire: Hi, Dylan.
Dylan: Hi, Mrs. Dunphy.
Claire: Mmm.
Dylan: Or I guess now that Haley and I broke up, I should call you Claire.
Claire: I actually think we're gonna stick with Mrs. Dunphy.