Mitchell: Hey, fiancé?
Cameron: Hello, my intended.
Mitchell: That one sounds a little murdery.
Cameron: You are my intended.
Mitchell: Stop it. Stop it!

Phil: How about that master suite, huh?
Lorraine: Maybe if I had someone to share it with.
Phil: Lorraine, you are a beautiful woman with a lot to offer. Should we make an offer?
[later:]
Diane: It's a great house, but I'm just gonna be alone.
Phil: Diane, you're not gonna be alone. You're gonna get a loan.

Claire: I'm stretched a little thin today, so I need you to do the grocery shopping, check in on the kids, and maybe clean up those branches in the front yard.
Phil: Done and done.
Claire: Is that an expression, or did you really only remember two of the things I said?
Phil: The second.
Claire: I'll leave you a message.
Phil: [answering phone] Hello?
Claire: Phil.
Phil: Sorry. Call back.

Cameron: [aside to camera] Mitchell and I agreed that I would be in charge of the wedding after the tragic news last week from the Andys.
Mitchell: Uh, not the mountain range. No. Our friends Andrew and Andrew they broke up.
Cameron: The stress of planning a wedding was too much. They were quibbling about-
Mitchell: Everything. I mean, uh, which is why I'm just happy to stay out of his way.
Cameron: Yeah, I dream big. Then I winnow down. Dream big. Winnow down. Dream big.
Mitchell: Okay, winnow down.
Cameron: Yep. Stay out of my way.

Luke: What's happening, Big Al?
Alex: Yeah, let's go ahead and veto that nickname.
Luke: Hey, Reuben taught me this cool trick. Close your eyes.
Alex: Oh, my God! What is wrong with you?
Luke: [to Rueben] You kissed a girl. Now we're even. Just paying off a poker debt.
Alex: Luke's creepy friend just kissed me.
Haley: Ew. Reuben? That little weirdo?
Rueben: I'm still here.
Alex: I'm gonna go boil my mouth.

Haley: This little game you dorks play, we talking milk money or heavy cream?
Luke: A lot of fresh bar mitzvah money down there.
Haley: Mind if I sit in?
Luke: We kind of got a no-girls policy.
Haley: Is it a policy or just something that keeps happening?
Luke: The second.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Best thing about my relationship with Cam? Trust. Newsflash I can be an obsessive person. In the past, I've had trouble letting someone else call the shots. Giving up control made me crazy. That's what makes my life with Cam so freeing. I can turn over big things to him and never give them a second thought. Out of sight, out of mind. Bye-bye.

Claire: Branches are still in the front yard, I just took a rake to the face, Reuben is getting really weird on Alex, and Haley's doing something for money in the basement.
Phil: It's all gonna be fine. Daddy's home, superstar.
Claire: No. Don't call me that. I'm not of one your needy little divorcées.
Phil: Um, that is work.
Claire: Is it? 'Cause I kind of feel like part of you loves being a hero to those women.
Phil: I'm a helper of people. Hey, you knew what you signed up for when you hitched your wagon to a realtor man.
Claire: Honey, when I met you, you were a wedding deejay. By the way, Spinderfella, looks like you still need to hit the grocery store.
Phil: I think someone's feeling neglected. Yes, I deal with a lot of lonely women, but there's only one I'm married to.
Claire: You're getting too involved, Phil. You are juggling these women, and you're not that good a juggler.
Phil: Now you're just lashing out!

Gloria: Ay, thank you for coming, padre.
Father Marquez: Oh, of course, Gloria. And this must be Fulgencio. What a beautiful little boy. He's such a sweet nature. I can tell he's a gentle soul.
Gloria: Ah! Hey, Fulgencio, no, no. Sorry, padre. Ay, that's why I called you, father. I think he's bad. There is evil in my family.
Father Marquez: Ah, Gloria, he's just a little baby.
Gloria: Last week, his eyes got red, and the dog backed away.
Father Marquez: He probably just had a cold. All mothers worry. Look at him rosy cheeks, he's playing with his blocks.
Gloria: [gasps] The six again.

Jay: [on the phone] So, Joe knocks one kid down, he's out. All kids do that. Why do you think your whole building is made out of nerf? Yeah, you see where he gets it from. Hey, listen, I'm not afraid of you, Miss Debbie. You're not the- Damn it.