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Larry's Wife

‘Larry's Wife’

Season 5, Episode 3 -  Aired October 2, 2013

Phil has tapped into a new real estate segment - recently divorced women - but he annoys Claire as he makes himself available to them 24/7. Meanwhile, Gloria thinks baby Joe might have the mark of the devil, and Cameron gets carried away as he plans a pet funeral for Larry the cat's made-up wife.

Quote from Manny

Manny: If we give in to every impulse, we're no better than wild animals.
Jay: But if we push it down, it eats you alive.
Manny: Not if you just let it go.
Filmgoer: [loudly on phone] The chick from that crapfest "Mary Poppins."
Manny: That's it. [grabs phone, smashes it against theater chair]
Filmgoer: Hey, hey, hey, hey!
[aside to camera:]
Manny: A lot of cold, lonely nights in that apartment by myself while my mom was driving a taxi, and only one thing kept me company. So, you got a problem with Poppins, you got a problem with me.

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Quote from Jay

Gloria: I have bad news, Jay. Joe was thrown out of the gymboree.
Jay: Again? What happened?
Gloria: He pushed Mason. He made him cry. The teacher said that we cannot go back.
Jay: That's ridiculous. Mason's a big baby.
Gloria: Everybody there is a big baby. But Joe plays very rough. And we know why. It's the curse.
Jay: Not that I'd ever want to discourage you from whispering, but that's not a thing.

Quote from Manny

Gloria: Manny escaped it, but I am not sure about Joe.
Jay: Gloria, this is about an uptight teacher. And so what if Joe's a little boisterous? Whatever happened to letting kids be themselves?
Manny: Ready.
Jay: Lose the hat.
Manny: I guess I'm supposed to see "Sound of Music" in a regular hat.

Quote from Cameron

Lily: Daddy, where's Larry?
Cameron: Oh, well, you know how cats are, sweetie. They're they're wanderers.
Lily: But I haven't seen him in days.
Cameron: Well, he'll be back, okay? Trust daddy on this.
Lily: Okay. [exits]
Mitchell: You know, I'm starting to get worried that Larry might not come back.
Cameron: Oh, he's definitely dead.
Mitchell: What?!
Cameron: Yeah, street meat or coyote chow. We'll wait a couple weeks, and then we'll get a new Larry.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Uh, you're pretty nonchalant about our family pet dying. And shouldn't we help our daughter process this loss?
Cameron: Yes, we will, and she'll be fine. And it's not nonchalant. It's farm life. Death is everywhere. You just learn to not get too attached to anything.
Mitchell: Oh, so, what, if I were to die, you would just wait a few weeks and then replace me?
Cameron: Of course not. Where would I find another gay Mitchell with your exact markings?

Quote from Cameron

Lily: I'm worried about Larry.
Cameron: Oh, honey, I know.
Lily: Where is he?
Cameron: Um, Lily, there's probably something I should tell you. Larry's not coming back home.
Lily: Why? Is he dead?
Cameron: Nope. Um, not dead. Lay, uh, met someone, fell in love, and he got married.
Lily: Are they ever going to visit?
Cameron: I'm afraid not because when cats get married, they have to move to, um, the forest, and so then they're not tempted by other cats in the city.
Lily: It's Larry.
Cameron: I know. Even people that you would never expect have moments of weakness.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Hello, Larry. Larry's back. Yeah, uh, well, you know what? I think they probably, uh, didn't work out, and they broke up.
Lily: People get married and then break up? What if that happens to you and daddy?
Cameron: Oh, y- You know what? Daddy made a mistake. Uh, Larry and his wife didn't break up. Larry's wife died.
Lily: Oh, no.
Cameron: Yeah. That's why we're gonna give him the closure he needs by throwing, um, a funeral to celebrate the remarkable life of Larry's wife. [gasps] It's gonna be great. You know what? We're gonna have music, we're gonna get a shoe box we're gonna have candles. [on the phone] Yes. Hi, Florist Gump. It's me again.

Quote from Dylan

Cameron: Oh, Dylan, thank you for coming on such short notice. I just need you to dig a hole right over here. Thank you.
Dylan: Oh, no problem. So, Lily, I'm really sorry. How's Larry doing?
Lily: Fine. He's a happy cat.
Dylan: Oh, they're cats. That's gonna make my job a lot easier.

Quote from Cameron

Cameron: Okay, everyone, thank you for coming. It means a lot to Lily, and it means a lot to me. Angus? [bagpipes play] So, Larry's wife what can I say? She loved Larry. And, um, you know, like all cat marriages, they had their ups and their downs, but they always landed on their feet.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Here you go. I got you sno-caps, 'cause, you know, at the end, they escape across the alps.
Man: Thanks for ruining it.
Jay: Calm down. The movie's 50 years old.

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