Alex: I'm starving.
Haley: Me too. Say something.
Alex: Um, Dad? We haven't had lunch yet.
Phil: Neither have half the kids in Africa. Stop yapping and get back to work.

Phil: What happened?
Claire: I made them drive too fast and eat like Vikings. And then Luke threw up all over the car. I gotta go clean that up.
Phil: No, you don't. Girls! Grab your buckets and meet me by the car.
Claire: They don't have to do that.
Phil: They do if I say so. I'm sorry. I swear I just told you to grab your buckets!
Alex: We haven't eaten all day.
Haley: We're hungry.
Phil: Well, you won't be in a minute.
Claire: Honey, you haven't fed them all day?
Phil: They're monsters, Claire. Deceitful, manipulative monsters. And they need to be broken.

Mitchell: Oh, good. You're up. It is such a beautiful day. Let's go have brunch somewhere outside where I can wear my new sunglasses. Ew, gross! What happened to you?
Cameron: I don't feel good. I'm hot. Now I'm cold.
Mitchell: Oh, no.
Cameron: And we have that concert tonight.
Mitchell: I know, but, honey, that's the furthest thing from my mind, okay?
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: Why me? We had amazing seats for Lady Gaga and he gets sick. I've been looking forward to that concert for months. It's the one gay cliche I allow myself.

Claire: No more fighting! No more fighting! For the rest of your lives you are not allowed to yell at each other.
Alex: But you're allowed to yell at us?
Claire: Yes, Alex, I am. Because I feed you and I clothe you and I pay the mortgage.
Phil: Whoa! Pretty sure old Dad deserves a shout-out right about now.
Claire: Phil!
Phil: Sorry. Should've taken the temperature of the room first.

Haley: Luke and Manny barged into our room while we were changing the little pervs.
Manny: Can I just say, in Europe, this would be no big deal.
Luke: Yeah. You can see me in my underwear whenever you want. Here. I'll make it even.

Claire: Phil. You sold me out behind my back.
Phil: No! It's just that sometimes you can get a little intense. I feel like I need to swoop in to let the kids know they're still loved.
Claire: I could kick you.
Phil: Honey, these are just the parts that we're playing. Am I wrong, or has it been working? I feel like it's been working.
Claire: I am tired of being the bad cop. You need to discipline them sometime and let me swoop in with all the love.
Phil: Shouldn't we stick with the stuff we're good at?

Claire: Boys. Hey, guys, guess who's taking you go-karting today. Me.
Luke: Why? Are we in trouble?
Claire: No. You're not in trouble. Today's just all about having fun. And you know what? Go-karting's just the beginning.
Manny: What else are we doing?
Claire: Whatever you want.
Luke: I want to bring Dad.
Claire: Well, tough. You can't. He's doing something else.

Phil: Uh, girls, how about you clean your bathroom before you go? It'd really help your mom out.
Claire: Oh, no. It's not about what Mom wants. Your mom is cool, very cool with whatever. It's about what Dad wants.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Dad wants to go go-karting.
[back:]
Phil: I would really like it if you would clean your bathroom.
Alex: But my movie-
Haley: Why do we have to do it now?
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Because Claire says so.
[back:]
Phil: Because I say so and because I'm your dad and I'm older than you and I call the shots around here.

Mitchell: Do you want me to move the wastebasket closer to you?
Cameron: Oh, no. It's fine where it is.
Mitchell: Really? 'Cause the bed kinda looks like a Rose Parade float.
Cameron: Thank you for taking care of me.
Mitchell: Well, what else would I be doing?
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: Um, seeing Lady Gaga.

Mitchell: So, uh, Cam, you know, I hate to bring this up but what are we gonna do about that concert?
Cameron: What do you mean?
Mitchell: Well, we were both looking forward to going. You were looking forward to going. I was really looking forward to going. And I I hate to see those tickets go to waste.
Cameron: I know, I know.
Mitchell: But what are our options? [Cam coughs] We could both go to the concert but that's not gonna happen. Uh, or we could sell the tickets online. Oh, but there's that Craigslist killer. Oh, what to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? What are the options other options?
Cameron: Mitchell, are you hinting that you want to go to that concert without me?
Mitchell: What? No. No. Not in a million years, but that's very sweet of you to offer.
Cameron: I didn't offer.
Mitchell: Oh, really? 'Cause that just seems like something that you would say. "You go. I'll be fine. You spent all the money on the tickets and I'm just gonna lie in bed anyways." That's classic Cam.