Jay: Oh, crap. That's Manny. If he sees the dog, it's all over.
Gloria: I go lock the door.
Jay: And that's the solution Manny sleeps in the backyard till the dog dies of old age?

Manny: Hey, guys, I'm home. Boy, I think Claire's working through some stuff because- Oh, my gosh! You got me a dog because of my perfect report card?
Jay: Gloria.
Manny: Sorry, papi. No.
Jay: The dog lives somewhere else which is where she's going right now. Text me the address.
Manny: Can I at least take a moment with her to tell her good-bye?
Jay: Tell her good-bye? You just met her.

Alex: He's crazy.
Luke: You know what? Mom's the crazy one. She ran over my hand.
Claire: We were having fun.

Claire: Phil, honey, this isn't working. Listen to me. You are not a good bad cop and I'm a very bad good cop. We need things to go back to the way they were.
Phil: Yeah.
Claire: Yeah.
Phil: I feel really shaky. I don't like being you.
Claire: Oh. Nobody does.

Cameron: Going somewhere?
Mitchell: Cam. You're up.
Cameron: Didn't count on that, did you? You dropping Lily off at your sister's, or is she taking my ticket?
Mitchell: Okay, first of all, how are you standing? You drank enough of that cough syrup to put down a grizzly.
Cameron: I'll tell you what's grisly. That is your behavior. Well, it's just a good thing I'm finding out now instead of when I'm old and sick and really need you. Better start saving for some sort of home health care plan because I'd hate for my broken hip and subsequent pneumonia to interfere with your evening plans.

Mitchell: Okay, Cam. No, you're right. You're right. I have no defense. I am terrible. And the thing is I knew I was terrible, and I was going anyway. I think maybe I tried to justify it by saying we're two different people. And you're more of a caregiver, and I have other strengths. And that's what makes us such a good couple, you know? But No, no. It's a cop-out. I've been very selfish and I need to do better, and I will. I swear on... [Cam snores] Lily's diaper bag.

Jay: [to Stella] Ah. Wow. No place to go but up, huh? Don't look at me like that. We all got problems. This ain't gonna work, sweetie. That look ain't gonna work on me. Come on. Come on. Let's go.

Cameron: Oh. Wow. I must have dozed off.
Mitchell: Yeah. You were out for quite a while.
Cameron: What have you been up to?
Mitchell: I've just been sitting here watching you.
Cameron: Mmm. Well, I'm gonna go to bed.
Mitchell: Okay.
Cameron: Thanks for staying home with me.
Mitchell: Well, you know in sickness and in health. Right?
Cameron: You're still blinking, sweetie.
Mitchell: Oh, no. Oh, gosh. Oh. Oh, this is funny. I'm gonna tell you the funny thing about why this is on.