Gloria: Go on, Guillermo.
Guillermo: What is this multibillion-dollar industry missing?
Jay: Multibillion dollars.
Guillermo: I have devised a revolutionary way to communicate-
Jay: Listen, I hate to interrupt your big pitch but your dog is chewing my pillow.
Guillermo: This is fantastic.
Jay: It's not fantastic for my pillow.
Guillermo: It's the perfect opportunity for me to demonstrate the Good Doggy-Bad Doggy Training System.

Manny: Claire, they said we have to be at least 13 to ride the fast ones.
Claire: They're 13. It's fine.
Luke: This is very confusing. At movie theaters, she says I'm 11.

Mitchell: [on the phone] Does it make me a horrible person? I kind of want to go without him.
Claire: Well, how sick is he?
Mitchell: I don't know. He's sick. They're not gonna make a Lifetime movie about him.

Guillermo: In closing, the only real question is after you invest in Good Doggy-Bad Doggy how will we spend all our money?
Gloria: In handbags! No. Vacation! Ay, no. A home gym!
Jay: All right. Guillermo, your ambition is infectious. Clearly, my wife needs to be inoculated.

Jay: Here it is. Your idea is not good.
Guillermo: Oh.
Gloria: No, what Jay means is that-
Jay: What I mean is it stinks. That's nothing against you. You've got charm, you've got ambition, and that's great. What you need is a better idea.
Guillermo: But I don't have a better idea.
Jay: Any idea would be a better idea.

Claire: Anything else? Who wants a milk shake? Milk shake, milk shake. Three milk shakes.
[aside to camera:]
Luke: I didn't really want a milk shake. But after what she said to Manny I didn't want to risk it.

Luke: Mom, I don't feel good.
Claire: Did you finish your milk shake?
Luke: I think that was the problem.
Claire: Look who's a doctor now.

Alex: Why is he taping our laptop shut?
Haley: Because he's out of his mind.
Phil: I'm not out of my mind! You took advantage and you lost your computer privileges.

Haley: Come on, Dad. We said we're sorry. Plus I can't get this stupid drain unclogged anyways.
Phil: Stick that hanger down there.
Haley: Ew! No!
Phil: Well, it's either that or we cut off all your hair, 'cause that's what caused the problem. Thoughts? Good. 'Cause after you finish this room you're gonna clean my bathroom too. And you know how gross I can be.

Gloria: He's going back to school. That means he has to go back to live with his sister so that means that he had to get rid of the dog. But he's so much more realistic now.
Jay: See that? And there's a lesson in there for you too. 'Cause sometimes things go better when you just say no. [Stella barks] No, no, no. What did you do?
Gloria: Ay. He was going to take her to the pound.
Jay: That's his business.
Gloria: Ay. But look at her little face.
Jay: No. You don't even want a dog.
Gloria: I know. I have a problem.