Mitchell: Cam, I froze last night. I froze. I thought Lily was in danger and I froze. But not you. No, you sprung right into action. You even had the cool "It's go time" line.
Cameron: That comes to me naturally. I spent a year as a crossing guard.
Mitchell: Cam, I mean, what kind of parent am I if I can't even protect my own family, you know? J-Just once I would love to be the guy with no fear who can stand up and, I don't know, you know, kick some ass.
Cameron: You're so cute when you're angry with your little fists. Just wanna put you in my pocket.

Phil: That feels weird. That burns in a different way! Ow! Oh! Don't wash this until we see if I can get my skin back. Okay?

Phil: Let me see it!
Claire: No! Your party's not until tonight. You're just gonna have to wait.
Phil: Just let me see the bag. Did you leave it in the car?
Claire: Yeah!
Phil: Hey, who'd you deal with? Was it a guy named Mehar? They call him "the beast." He's a tiny guy. He must move a ton of product.

Mitchell: Hi, Manny.
Manny: Mitchell? What are you doing here at [holding up his wrist with a loosely fitting watch] 4:17 on a Saturday afternoon?
Mitchell: Oh, I'm just returning my dad's belt of tools, so-
Manny: [again] At 4:17 on a Saturday afternoon?
Jay: Don't you have something better to do?

Mitchell: Hey, uh, Dad, do you remember when I was, uh, probably 11 and you were teaching me how to fight, and then I quit?
Jay: Yeah, when you said everything you needed to learn you'd learn from West Side Story. How'd that work out for you?
Mitchell: If I'm ever in a dance fight, I'll let you know.

Jay: Why? What's the matter? You got problems with Cam?
Mitchell: No! Wh-Why would you say that?
Jay: Well, come on. I mean, you know, sharing a room with a guy? I mean, I bunked with my brother. I know that can get pretty rough.
Mitchell: I don't "bunk" with Cam. Dad, I just wanna learn a little self-defense, you know.

[Phil is playing in a batting cage:]
Phil: Didn't your mama teach you never to take a ride from a stranger? Got a little vacation time coming up? Have fun on the moon! Not feeling too well lately? Maybe you should come see the doctor and I'll get rid of it!
Kid: What's that supposed to mean?
Woman on P.A.: Attention. If you're here for Phil's birthday party, they're gathering in the picnic area. Phil's birthday party.
Phil: My wife knew I'd be here. She put together a whole party for me.
Kid: Does that really make up for not getting an iPad?
Phil: Don't make me sorry I shared that with you. Okay?

Jake: [over baby monitor] No, that's fine, I'm just putting the baby down.
Cameron: Okay, that's Jake. He's the one that's having an affair. I know.
Jake: Yeah, I can do it tomorrow night. I'll just give my wife some excuse.
Cameron: Men are pigs.
Jake: I don't really have a choice, do I?
Cameron: Yeah. You could not cheat on her! How about that?
Jake: Because it has to be a surprise. When she hears me speaking Italian to her grandmother, it'll be worth all this sneaking around.
Cameron: Lily, I had it backwards. He's wonderful.
Jake: Don't worry. I'll just tell her I'm working late.
Cameron: No, Jake, don't do that. That's the worst thing you could do.
Jake: Buona notte.
Cameron: Oh, no, Lily, what are we gonna do? We have to fix this.

Jay: Okay, Mitchell, I'm gonna teach you a couple of basic Brazilian jiu-jitsu moves. Now, just- just attack me.
Mitchell: I'm sorry- What?
Jay: Take any deep-seated anger you may have, get a running start and come at me.
Mitchell: Dad, I don't have any deep-seated anger.
Jay: Remember that Halloween when I wouldn't let you go as Olivia Newton-John?
Mitchell: [yells, charges at Jay]
Jay: You see what I did? I used your momentum against you. I learned this choke from the Gracie brothers. It's called the lion killer- mata leao.

Jay: Actually, that's not true. I don't mind losing to a chess genius, which Manny obviously is.
Gloria: Chess genius? He's not even as good as I am.
Jay: You're not that good in chess. I beat you on our honeymoon.
Gloria: Or did I let you win?
Jay: You didn't let me win.
Gloria: Why would I sacrifice my queen for your pawn, Jay? Huh? Huh? ... Huh?
Jay: Stop saying that.