Claire: [answering phone] Luke, honey, hi. What's going on?
Luke: They guy came with Dad's cake, but just so you know, it's missing a piece.
Claire: Luke, did you take a bite out of your father's cake?
Luke: No.
Claire: Stop lying, Luke.

Little Phil: More cake?
Phil: Why not, Little Phil? I got no place else to go.

Cameron: Sir! Sir! Sir, hi. Excuse me. Um, yes. I know this is highly unusual, but I need your help to save a marriage. There is a couple in this neighborhood that is about to get a divorce for a simple misunderstanding. Their name is Jake and Debbie. And I know you've taken an oath to not tell people where other people live, and I respect that, but maybe we could work out some sort of super secretive spy signal, where if you scratch your left ear, you know, maybe they live on the left, and if you scratch your right ear, they live on-
Mailman: They live right here.
Cameron: Oh. This conversation never happened.

Claire: No. Oh, my gosh, no. You can't cut the line. Sorry.
Man: I was here.
Claire: Uh-uh. I-I've been here for an hour and a half and you haven't been, so you cut the line.
Man: Whatever.
Mitchell: Whoa. Excuse me, sir. I don't think you understand. You're not getting in front of us.
Man: Calm down, gingerbread.
Mitchell: Are you gonna move or not?
Man: No.
Claire: Oh, no.
Mitchell: [grabs man in chokehold] Then you leave me no choice.
Claire: Oh, my God.
Mitchell: Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to sleep.

Phil: [aside to camera] Key to a good birthday? Low expectations. Thought I was getting an iPad. I was wrong about that. Thought I was getting a surprise party at the batting cages. Sorry, Big Phil. [laughs] Guess when it comes right down to it, we're all just Jeff Sweeney taking a fastball to the plums.

Alex: Hey, um, Dad, your cake fell off the counter, but Uncle Cam's trying to fix it.
Phil: He won't.
Luke: And the pizzas never showed up.
Phil: And they won't! Hey, balloons.

Manny: Is that Claire's baked Brie I smell?
Phil: [laughs] No.

Gloria: Look at this, papi, huh? [laughing]
Jay: Easy. You can't sing "We Are the Champions" without your queen.
Gloria: Damn it! Listen, I lose and I burn this house down!

Jay: [aside to camera] She had me. There was no way I could win. I knew it. I'm just glad she didn't know it yet.
[separately:]
Gloria: Two moves, and then- [cutting sound] I'm a very good chess player. But I'm a better wife.

Luke: Mom.
Claire: Luke, what do you want?
Luke: I went on Dad's computer, contacted some of his geek friends, told them that he was dying and his last wish was an iPad.
Claire: Luke, what have I told you about-
Luke: One of them felt so bad, they brought over an extra.
Claire: Oh, my God. You got it. You beautiful little liar!