Jay: See, the beauty of this is, you don't have to make the first move. You know, chances are your opponent's gonna be overconfident. He's gonna think you don't know anything. Basically, he's being suckered into thinking- Manny. Manny, that little bastard, he hustled me. [noticing Mitchell is unconcious] Oh, crap. Ah, crap. Mitchell! Oh, crap. All right. Come on. Breathe. Attaboy. You all right? Coming around.
Mitchell: [groaning] Why am I on the floor?
Jay: Come on, Mitchell.

Jay: Why tell him to lose to me?
Gloria: Because you're like a baby when you don't win. With the kicking and the eyebrows and the angry eating of the sunflower seeds. [chittering]

Luke: Today Sam Riley kicked a soccer ball and it hit another kid so hard his eye popped out.
Phil: Awesome!
Claire: Really? His eye popped out.
Luke: Never mind.

Jay: Wait until you see what I got Phil for his birthday. I found it on the SkyMall catalog.
Gloria: Ay. It's not one of those talking alarm clocks? [British accent] "It's 6:05. It's 6:25. Wake up. Wake up."

Gloria: [aside to camera] Manny's an excellent player, but Jay is a grumpy loser. He mopes, he makes the face, he slams the door, then he said he didn't slam the door. It's better that he wins.

[Lily cries over the baby monitor]
Mitchell: Um, I got this.
Man on Baby Monitor: Everything's gonna be okay. It's okay. It's okay. [crying continues]
Mitchell: [whispers] Cam!
Cameron: [mutters] Leave me alone.
Mitchell: There's a- There's a man in Lily's room.
Cameron: Huh?
Mitchell: There's a man in Lily's room!
Cameron: [jumps up, grabs a baseball bat] It's go time.

Claire: [aside to camera] Light-up barbecue tongs. This was the lame gift I got Phil. So, was I bummed to get up at 5:00 and wait in line? No. No, because I was finally getting my husband something that he really, really wanted. I was every bit as excited as he was.
[Claire falls asleep on the couch]

Jay: Hey, buddy. I hope you're not upset about our chess match yesterday. Hey, what do you say we play again?
Manny: I'm good.
Jay: That's the spirit. Downloaded this for you. It's kind of a kid's guide to chess.
Manny: No, Jay. I'm good.
Jay: Nah, it's not all dry like that. They have fun with it. See, you can color in the little players with your crayons.

Jay: Now we're lighting a fire. Let me toss this out. If you beat me, if that day should ever come, I'll give you-
Manny: I want your watch.
Jay: Wow, you had that loaded up. Okay. Game on.
Jay: Now, I want you to go first. Now remember, try to open up the middle of the board. I'd have moved that guy two spaces. More aggressive. And you don't want to bring your queen out that quickly. See, now you could've protected that with that, but now you're vulnerable-
Manny: Checkmate.
Jay: Huh? What? How'd you do that?
[Manny holds his wrist out]

Cameron: You will not believe what's going on at Jake and Debbie's house.
Mitchell: Who?
Cameron: The people on the monitor. They must live nearby. So much drama. Okay, Jake told Debbie that he had to work late. So she called his boss and found out that he didn't. Busted! So she spent all morning on the phone crying and crying and crying to her mother and said if Jake has to work "late" one more time, she's filing for divorce.
Mitchell: Huh.
Cameron: That's it? I give you that tasty dish and all you give me is a "Huh"?