Manny: I'm thinking about this heaven of yours that's full of bad people.
Jay: Not full. The tiniest fraction. They're walled in.
Manny: What if they break out?
Jay: They're surrounded by a lake of fire.
Manny: There are fiery lakes in heaven? This is turning into hell.
Jay: Tell me about it.

Mitchell: Well, we wouldn't have to break anything if you were a better liar.
Cameron: If you're trying to make me feel bad about not being as good a liar as you- What are you doing?
Mitchell: A hat rack fell through the window. Remember? One, two, three-
Cameron: Mitchell, wait. L-I I can't do this. I quit. You might be comfortable with all this lying, but I'm not.
Mitchell: Oh, please. Where was all this conscience when I got us into the first-class lounge at the airport and you chewed Angela Lansbury's ear off? You know what you are? You're like a mob wife. You look down at me and my ways but you're happy to wear the mink coat that fell off the back of the truck.
Cameron: How dare you.

Pepper: [gasps]
Mitchell: I know. I know. It really hit us bad.
Pepper: No. I'm just always surprised how small this place is.
Cameron: Pepper, you didn't have to leave your party to come check on us. Great costume, by the way.
Pepper: This isn't my costume. I just threw this on to help you clean up.

Cameron: Well, about your party-
Pepper: Oh, don't worry about canceling. At least you have an excuse, unlike Steven and Stefan. They said they had the flu. Meantime, I just saw them out riding their bicycle.
Mitchell: Oh, Pepper, that is horrible. I-I'm gonna make you a cocktail.
Pepper: Oh, honey, don't go to any trouble. I'll just have a Kir Royale.

Jay: Calm down. Instead of thinking all morning about what heaven's gonna look like what it's not gonna look like, who's where if there, even is a heaven, why don't we just concentrate on this beautiful, carefree day that's in front of us?
Manny: I'd rather concentrate on something you just said. There might not even be a heaven?
Jay: I don't know.
Manny: You seemed pretty sure of yourself this morning. So what happens after you die? There's just nothing?
Jay: Look. You're focusing too much on one little thing that I said. It was just a hunch, okay?
Manny: A hunch? I'm skipping church based on a hunch? [wheezes]
Jay: All right, all right. Don't freak out on me, kid.
Manny: You're playing pretty fast and loose with my soul.
Jay: Listen. I want you to forget everything that I said, okay?
Manny: Some things can't be forgotten, Jay. Do you know what menstruation is? Because I do.

Mitchell: Okay, um, Pepper, this is a little embarrassing.
Pepper: I don't even want to hear it.
Mitchell: Cameron still has feelings for you.
Pepper: Go on.
Mitchell: Yeah, and it's just it's very hard for him to be around you especially at your magical brunches where you're just you're you're so magnetic. And then I see the way that he looks at you, and- Damn it, Pep- It just makes me so mad that I could just- [smashes Cameron's frog figure]
Pepper: Oh!
Cameron: Really?
Mitchell: Oh, you don't know the pain, Cam.

Manny: Well, if heaven's in the sky, what do you walk on?
Gloria: Now, Manny, don't be ridiculous.
Manny: The clouds. That makes no sense. Clouds are air. You'd fall right through them.
Gloria: The clouds in heaven they're like trampolines.
Manny: I don't like trampolines. They make me seasick.
Gloria: Manny, stop worrying. Heaven is a beautiful place with sunshine and rainbows and butterflies.
Manny: Butterflies?
Gloria: Ay. No, no, no, no, no.
Manny: Ah!
Gloria: I didn't say butterflies. Manny, there's no butterflies!

Claire: Sweetheart, listen to me. This is the S.A.T.'s, okay? It is not some stupid science quiz.
Alex: Hey, if science quizzes are so stupid why do you put mine up on the refrigerator?
Haley: Because we feel sorry for you, 'cause books are your friends.
Alex: Yeah, she wasn't studying last night she was video chatting the whole time.
Claire: I knew it. I knew it.

Claire: Girls, take it down a notch, because I-
Phil: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's the hot topic on The View today, ladies?
Haley: Dad, can you just please tell Mom that I can take a two-hour break and go to a party?
Phil: No, ma'am. I'm not stepping into that one. We're not playing good cop/Mom.

Phil: Really, Claire? Didn't I tell you I'd fix the tub?
Claire: Yes, you did. I think I was pregnant with Luke at the time.
Phil: That is not fair. I've done everything you've asked me to do around here. I fixed the step, didn't I? Look how solid it is. I'm like Shirley Temple and that black guy.
Plumber: Bill "Bojangles" Robinson.
Phil: Bill "Bojangles" Robinson! I said it first.