Plumber: So this is the problem.
Claire: Uh, faucet just keeps leaking.
Phil: Yeah, it's a cracked washer, if I know my washers. And it's, uh, been leaking a little water.
Plumber: Yeah, could be a washer a cracked valve, a stripped pipe.
Phil: Well, I guess I'm not a professional plumber but I have spent a huge amount of time in that tub. I can tell you from experience, or at least what it feels like in there.
[Claire closes the door on Phil]

Gloria: Jay, what are you wearing? You can't go to church like that.
Jay: Well, that settles it then. I'm going golfing.
Gloria: You're gonna miss church again? Last Sunday, you said that you had to go to the office. The week before, you had breakfast with a friend.
Manny: And before that, you thought you had a cold that turned out not to be a cold.
Jay: Because I babied it.

Gloria: You don't have to convince us. You have to convince him.
Jay: Who, God? Me and God are good.
Gloria: How would you know?
Jay: Look, you feel God in church, which is great. I feel God out in nature, amongst his works.
Gloria: Are you gonna go to church next week?
Jay: We'll see.
Gloria: I know what "we'll see" means. If you're done with church, just say it.
Jay: I'm done with church.
Gloria: Don't say that!

Phil: [on the phone] Hey, Gloria.
Gloria: Ay, dios mio. Phil, you're alive!
Phil: Yeah. Of course I'm alive. For now.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: For months, Claire has been after me and dogging me, "Anchor the cabinet to the wall. What if we have an earthquake? We've got kids in the house." Blah, blah, blah. So It finally reached the point where I hand no choice but to just roll up my sleeves and tell her I did it.

Phil: So, don't panic. I'm gonna get you out. I'm just gonna go get some tools.
Plumber: Get a crowbar, if you have one.
Phil: What is that supposed to mean? Like I'm some dandy who doesn't have a crowbar?
Plumber: Well, you did just use the word "dandy."
Phil: "Dandy" is a term coined by miners in the 15th century.
Claire: Phil? Just get us out of here.

Gloria: You're still going golfing? God sent you a sign, Jay.
Jay: What, the earthquake? You gotta be kidding me.
Gloria: You say that you're never going to church again, and the ground shakes with a vengeance.
Jay: I'll prove it to you. God, if you have a problem with me golfing-
Gloria: Shh.
Jay: Send me a sign. I mean, throw in a little lightning. Put on a show.
Gloria: Don't talk to God like that!
Jay: Now, trust me if God had a problem with me, he would let me know without shaking the whole city. He would be a little more specific.

Manny: I think I'm gonna skip it today.
Gloria: What?
Manny: I like what Jay said about God being in nature.
Gloria: No, no, no, no, no, no. Don't listen to him. His days are numbered!
Manny: Think about it, Mom. It makes sense. God made the trees and the grass. He didn't make that church.
Gloria: But he made the people that makes the church, and you're making me angry!

Manny: Sorry, Mom. Hope you understand.
Gloria: Mmm.
Jay: Probably good for us to spend a little time together.
Gloria: You're gonna spend eternity together!
[Jay backs out and drives over his golf clubs]
Jay: Damn it! I suppose that was God too.
Gloria: I don't know who did it, but it makes me happy.

Claire: [o.s.] Phil?
Phil: Why don't you just lie down. I gotta make sure your mom's still stuck. So she- I can get her out. Don't fall asleep.

Manny: So you're not worried about getting in trouble? You know, with God?
Jay: Oh, I think he's got bigger things on his plate.
Manny: So you're not worried about hell?
Jay: Let me let you in on a little secret, kid. There is no hell.
Manny: Seriously? No hell? That's fantastic. So everyone just goes to heaven?
Jay: Yep. End of story.
Manny: Even bad people?
Jay: Yeah, they're they're- They're in another section. See, they got this thing figured out. Can I hit this? Damn it.
You distracted me.
Manny: I didn't say anything.
Jay: I could hear you thinking.