Pepper: I mean, my God. If they didn't want to come to my party, just say it. I'm a big boy. I can take it.
Cameron: Well, since you brought it up, Pepper we didn't want to come to your party either.
Pepper: What?
Cameron: Oh, you know we love you. But they've just gotten to be so much work over the years, and-
Mitchell: We're all out of cassis.
Pepper: I can't bear it.
Mitchell: I will make you a Bellini.
Pepper: Everybody canceled on me. And now you two. For 15 years, I have killed myself setting a community standard with my fanciful themed brunches mounted at great personal expense. Well, clearly I've been a fool. No one likes your brunches, Pepper. No one likes you. You're gonna die alone in a quaint Spanish revival outside of Palm Springs. Or La Quinta.

Haley: Oh, my God! Mom, the party is around the block. I'll be gone for two hours.
Claire: Yeah, that is two hours you could spend studying.
Haley: I have been studying all weekend. No friends, no phone. Just me alone with books. I feel like Alex.
Alex: You're never alone when you have books.
Haley: Really? Is that what you want me to turn into?

Mitchell: Oh, good. You're back. I need you to help settle a spat between our blacksmith and that chimney sweep.
Cameron: Be nice. It took me 20 minutes to find my opera cloak.
Mitchell: I still can't believe you didn't have to rent any of that.
Cameron: Oh, please. Do you know how many times this has paid for itself?
Mitchell: Has it?

Cameron: [aside to camera] Our friend Pepper loves to throw theme parties.
Mitchell: Yes, he does. And this weekend is his first annual Oscar Wilde and Crazy brunch.
Cameron: We're still recovering from his Studio 54th of July barbecue. They were fun at first.
Mitchell: Uh...
Cameron: But they have become a lot of work. You have to dress in costume.
Mitchell: You have to assume a character. I I can't believe you ever dated him.
Cameron: One date. It was the '90s. We'd just lost Princess Di. I was at sea.

Mitchell: Uh, Cam, can we just- Can we please cancel?
Cameron: I wish we could, but you know he's still mad at us for missing Passover.
Mitchell: Oh, right. Seder Day Night Fever.
Cameron: Just go get dressed and powdered.
Mitchell: Oh. Pepper has done the impossible. He's made two gay men hate brunch.

Cameron: It might be easier just to pour the espresso right in the sugar.
Manny: [fake chuckle] Every morning.

Mitchell: [on the phone] Hey, are you guys okay?
Phil: Yeah, we're fine. You?
Mitchell: We're fine. That was really- Oh, wait. Hold on. [switching lines] Hello?
Gloria: Mitch, are you okay?
Mitchell: We're okay. We're okay.
Gloria: And Phil and Claire?
Mitchell: I'm on the other line with them right now. One second. [switch lines] Hello? Oh, shoot. We lost Phil.
Gloria: We lost Phil?
Cameron: We lost Phil? [Mitchell switches line]
Gloria: Hello?
Mitchell: Great. Now Gloria's gone.
Cameron: Gloria's gone too? Oh!

Cameron: [on the phone] Well, the earthquake. Yeah, it was huge here. So, obviously, we're not we're not gonna be able to make it.
Pepper: Why not?
Cameron: Well, some dishes broke.
Pepper: You can sweep them up later.
Cameron: And, um... Well, yeah, I guess I guess we could sweep those up, um, later. Our, uh... Our Our hat rack... Our hat rack fell through the window.
Pepper: Hat rack?
Cameron: Well Yeah, we do have a hat rack. We thought it would force us to wear our hats more. And it did. And there's water damage. There's water everywhere. A bookshelf fell on Mitchell's leg. Mitchell's hurt, Pepper. Mitchell's hurt real bad.
Pepper: I'm coming right over.
Cameron: No, you don't need to come over.
Pepper: I'm coming.
Cameron: Pepper, no! [hangs up] He's coming over.

Haley: Oh, don't talk back, Dad. She'll just ground you!
Claire: [throwing her shoe at the bathroom door] That's 32 weeks, young lady! I was at 16 before, right? What?
Plumber: Nothin'.
Claire: Don't judge me until you've had a teenage girl.
Plumber: I've had four of 'em.
Claire: God. How did you survive that?
Plumber: Girls were a piece of cake. It was the boy. Every look on his face. Every stupid decision he made. The way he sat there chewing his food like an idiot. Then it hit me why this kid drove me so crazy, he's me.
Claire: Well, all the more reason she should listen to me. I can stop her from making the same mistakes.
Plumber: Did you listen to your mother?
Claire: No. God, no. But, you know, I had a reason. That woman was a psycho control... freak.

Jay: Hold this, will you, kid? You know, Mitchell used to caddie for me. Of course, he spent most of his time chasing butterflies.
Manny: You won't catch me doing that.
Jay: Good for you.
Manny: I'm terrified of them.