Joe: So you're sure Phil's gonna be okay?
Gloria: Absolutely, Papi, Phil is not gonna die in a long, long time.
Joe: Am I going to die? Well, Joe, it's a natural thing that we-
Jay: Bup, bup, bup. This is not a topic you tend to handle gently. It's not your fault, but many people in your orbit met with ugly ends. I'll handle this.
Gloria: Fine. I have to pick up the party cake. It's shaped like a soccer ball.
Jay: You sure that won't scare them? 'Cause the only thing I've seen them do with a soccer ball is run from it.

Cameron: What is a gallbladder?
Mitchell: Yeah, and what's up with these organs you don't even need? You can lose a gallbladder, an appendix, and everything's fine.
Cameron: Yeah, kind of like husbands. You lose one, you just get another. [chuckles] That is what you said earlier.

Cameron: I didn't bring it up to attack you. I just wondered have you ever thought about who you'd end up with if, you know, my show closes early?
Mitchell: I would give my right gallbladder not to answer this question.
Cameron: Come on, it'll be a fun game. Don't you want to know who I'm thinking about?
Mitchell: I guess.
Cameron: Okay, well, then, let's just say a name on three.
Mitchell: Cam.
Cameron: No, come on. I think you'll be surprised by my choice. You ready? One, two, three
Mitchell: Caleb.
Cameron: You're my everything.
Mitchell: Y-You You tricked me.

Cameron: Okay, who's Caleb?
Mitchell: You- You met him. At- At Jotham's party. The- The massage therapist.
Cameron: Well, I guess he rubbed you the right way.
Mitchell: Cam, oh, come on. I only said a name because you pressured me to. I've had like two conversations with him. Look, I-I only picked him because he reminds me of you. So sweet and open and such a good balance for me. I-I thought he might be, too.
Cameron: Well, then, that's lovely.
[aside to camera:]
Mitchell: Oh, thank God. I cut the right wire.

Cameron: Okay, what is a gallbladder? The gallbladder is "a 4-inch pear-shaped organ that stores bile."
Mitchell: Like- Like a little bile cabinet.
Cameron: [giggles] That's why people want us around.

Mitchell: What's going on?
Cameron: Uh, would you stop being so suspicious? You said you neck hurt from posing for our photograph so I invited Caleb over to ply his trade.
Mitchell: I do not think he's here to ply. I think he's here so you can pry.

Alex: Dad's gonna be fine.
Haley: Since we're on the subject, at my funeral, make sure the pallbearers say things like, "Wow, she's so light," and things like, "Is she even in here?"
Alex: I don't want to be buried. I'm donating my body to science.
Haley: Haven't you already?
Alex: I'm putting kettle bells in your coffin. And make sure my cadaver goes to an Ivy League. I don't want some hungover freshman from Swarthmore getting his hands all over me.

Claire: Quick, kids, hey, listen, Surgery Bear is not upstairs. Any ideas?
Haley: Oh, right, Dad gave it to Joe when he got his tonsils taken out.
Claire: You could've told me that before I looked through Luke's drawers.
Luke: Which drawer?!
Claire: We'll get into that later.

Phil: [on the phone] Hey, honey, did you find Surgery Bear?
Claire: Uh yeah, sure did. He's- He's right here with his beautiful blue eyes.
Phil: I always considered them hazel, but who could tell underneath those sunglasses?
Claire: Sunglasses. Right. Um... Why don't you tell me what your favorite thing is about Surgery Bear?
Phil: Well, as you know, he's the polar [yawns] opposite of me. I mean, I hate surfing. But it makes sense that a fireman would love it.
Claire: Yes, of course.
Phil: [laughs] In my mind, he's a volunteer fireman during the summer because professors have those off.
Claire: Professors have- Yes.
Phil: Oh, gotta run, honey. Elsie's here to give me another shot for the pain. Don't be stingy, Elsie. Last time, it took forever to fee... [snores]

Gloria: Joe, I know what your father said, but forget it. You can die from that.
Joe: Really?
Gloria: Yes. People die all the time. That's why you have to be careful. Everyone dies. You can choke or something very heavy can fall on top of your head. One time, I heard there was a little kid that exploded. The nuns said that it was because of unclean thoughts. Do you get all this?
Joe: Yes, mommy.
Gloria: [doorbell rings] Those are your friends. Go welcome them.
Joe's friend: Hi, Joe. I brought cupcakes.
Joe: What's the point?